Adventures 3 a.k.a. Hobocakypse Now

only 5 more days until they are released. I will try to do it as detailedly as the last one and I will also try to have it on here with the releases.


color schemes are the same as on Adventures 2. Also if you are looking for a specific day simply use the search tool of your browser by pushing Ctrl + F

Mission 14 and following are on page 2

Explore the City and go to your lucky numbers. If you forgot what they were you need to eat Wonka Bars and check the wrappers.


You found:
You turn the corner and spy some kinda weird hatch... And several punks with leather jackets, spikes and mohawks climbing out of it! They shut the hatch behind them and start whispering to each other. You hide behind a trash can and listen in!

Gutter Punk 1: Whoa! A whole new city!

Gutter Punk 3: Just like he said!

Gutter Punk 2: Hey, check this out!

The Gutter Punk picks up a KFC meal he finds lying on the ground, pulls out a drumstick and bites into it.

Gutter Punk 2: Oh man! Delicious! Kurtz was right! This is much better than that crap we find diggin' through dumpsters in Canbodia!

Gutter Punk 3: Hmmmm... A whole new city... there could be more. I say we split up and scope things out. Gluestick! See if there are any chain stores around we can swipe food and supplies from. Stitches, try to find the seediest place you can for us to chill out in front of. I'll look around and see if I can score us any smokage.

With that the Gutter Punks disperse in separate directions. Standing up from behind the trash can, you walk over to the hatch and try pulling on it, but it doesn't budge at all. They must've locked it behind them...

You wonder where the Gutter Punks could've gone to.


Now go to the Wellness Clinic.


Sitting outside the Wellness Clinic is a filthy Gutter Punk with green hair and an Ape Sex shirt spiking up his mohawk with some glue. The Gutter Punk notices you eyeing his bottle of glue.

Gutter Punk: You need some glue man? I tell you what, I've got a rip in my jacket. You bring me an Anarchy Patch to cover up it up with, and you can have this Bottle of Glue.


Buy a Magnet from the Pawn Shop and go to the Walmart.


Inside WalMart you find a nasty looking gutterpunk with fuscia hair and a jacket with an anarchy patch on it. He sneers at you meanly until you pull out your magnet.

Gutter Punk: Whoa! Nice Magnet! That thing would be perfect for deactivating barcodes on all the merchandise in here. I'll give you my Anarchy Patch for it!

You hand over your Magnet.

You get the Anarchy Patch

The Gutter Punk starts running around Walmart, pointing the magnet at things before shoving them into his pockets.


Go back to the Wellness Clinic.


Sitting outside the Wellness Clinic is a filthy Gutter Punk with green hair and an Ape Sex shirt spiking up his mohawk with some glue. You pull out your Anarchy Patch.

Gutter Punk: Ah man, perfect! That patch will cover this hole in my jacket just right. How 'bout it? My Bottle of Glue for your Anarchy Patch?

You hand him the Anarchy Patch.

You get the Bottle of Glue

Gutter Punk: Now let's see here. I never quite learned how to sew on a patch...

The Gutter Punk pulls out a needle and thread and gets to work.


Next you head over to the Red Light District.


A dirty gutter punk with purple hair and a greasy face leans against the red light district wall.

Gutter Punk: Hey, I see you've got a Bottle of Glue. How about you trade me that for a Fake ID?

You agree to the transaction and hand over the Bottle of Glue.

You get the Fake ID

The Gutter Punk starts running glue through his mohawk, giving it some extra spikiness.


Since you now have a fake ID you can get your long waited for liquor. Go to the liquor store.


You walk straight into the liquor store and hand over your Fake ID.

Rick: Mclovin, eh? Alright. What'll it be?

You look around and notice the liquor store is fairly empty. As a matter of fact, you only see one type of beer in the mostly empty freezer cases.

Rick: Stocks a bit low right now. Only thing left is Crudweiser. Apparently most people won't go near the stuff even if it's the only game in town... We should have more in stock this week. If you want a drink right now though, it's the only option...


Next you need to get totally wasted by drinking that s*# y beer.


Both you and the bottle hit the ground at the same time. ZZzzzzZZzzz

You wake up a few hours later in a strange hotel room in the Second City Red Light District... You hear the sound of helicopters outside the hotel room window...


What's going on here...


You stare up at the ceiling, hungover and dazed. This isn't the first time you've been hungover, but something feels different about this one...

Suddenly, something strange swells up inside you... What could this feeling be? Could it be... A monologue?

> Continue...

Second City.

s***.

I'm still only in Second City.

Every time I think I'm gonna wake up back in the jungle.

When I was in Hoburbia after my first tour it was worse.

I'd wake up and there'd be nothing.

I hardly said a word to my Hobowife till I said yes to a divorce.

When I was here I wanted to be there- when I was there all I could think of was getting back into the jungle.

I'm here a week now.

Waiting for an Adventure.

Getting softer.

> Continue...


Every minute I stay in this room I get weaker.

And every minute Golf Papa squats in the bush he gets stronger.

Each time I looked around, the walls moved in a little tighter.

Everyone gets everything he wants.

I wanted an Adventure- and for my sins they gave me one.

Brought it up to me like room service.

It was a real choice Adventure.

And when it was over, I'd never want another.

-Knock knock knock-

> Open the Hotel Room Door

You open the Hotel Room door to see a scraggly hobo in a General's uniform looking quite stern.

Hobo General: Good morning Captain. Looks like you had a hell of a night here.

**********: Ugghhh... Captain?

Hobo General: Clean yourself up and meet me at the Nightclub. We've got a priority one adventure to discuss, Captain.


Get healed and head over to the Nightclub.


You find the Hobo General sitting at a table inside the Nightclub surrounded by a few guys dressed in Army fatigue... and one cocky looking guy with a vest. In the center of the table is a wine bottle and a plate of roast beef.

Hobo General: Glad you could make it, Captain. Please have a seat. We're from the Hobo Army.

You take a seat across the table from the General.

**********: Hobo Army?

Hobo General: Where have you been, Captain? We're at war!

**********: War?

Hobo General: The Gutter Punks! Golf Papa! Us hobos have lived and breathed these streets for years before those young punks showed up and moved in on our territory. They think being homeless is cool. That it's a way to defy the system.

> So what's the problem?


Hobo General: What's the problem!? The problem is these twerps are using up our resources! And they give us a bad rap! Our begging gains are down to their lowest in years! These Gutterpunks... They're too lazy to beg or rummage... They lie and steal... Everyone hates them, and people lump us hobos in with these jerks.

**********: Where did these Gutter Punks come from?

Hobo General: Golf Papa? (That's our code name for em!) I'll be damned if I can tell you how they infiltrated the area, but we know they originated upriver from Canbodia.

> ...Why am I here?


Hobo General: You're here, Captain, because we have a very special mission for you.

**********: Why me?

Hobo General: Did you not work with the Wonka Corporation to burn down Pickety Pete's Protest Palace?

**********: I... I am not presently disposed to reveal that information.

Hobo General: Were you not involved in the destruction of Second City Hall in some capacity?

**********: If... if I were I would not be in a position to discuss the operation, if it existed, Sir.

Hobo General: I see... So do you accept the mission Captain?

> What is this mission?


Hobo General: I suggest you try some of the Roast Beef Captain. You'll find it most... illuminating.

The Hobo General stands up, and so do the other armymen at the table. You figure you should get up too.

Hobo General: I'll be over at the Docks should you need to speak with me further. Until then, enjoy the roast beef Captain.

**********: ...What about my miss-

All the Army Men walk out of the night club leaving you alone with the roast beef.

You take the Roast Beef and place it into your trolly.


Hmmm, upon closer inspection, this roast beef seems thicker than normal...


I wonder what I have to do with it.... EAT IT.


You start scarfing down the roast beef only to find somebody has shoved a folder inside... You pull it out and stuff it inside your backpack.

You get the Dossier

You consumed a Roast Beef and gained 11 awakeness.


Take the Dossier out of your bag and use it.



Hello, Captain.

This dossier will outline each phase of your mission, should you choose to accept it. The contents herein should be considered confidential, and should you find yourself fallen into enemy hands, this dossier must be consumed post haste. The dossier has been roast beef flavored in order to aid in this task should it become necessary.

You will receive a new dossier page each day after the previous mission has been completed.

Your first mission will be to obtain a boat, if you do not already have one, and bring it to the Dock in Second City. Report back to me at the Dock once you have obtained your boat. That is all, for now.

Good Luck, Captain!

-Hobo General





Go to the Docks....duh...


> Talk to the Hobo General

Hobo General: Ahhh, there you are Captain. I was just admiring this boat of yours. Interesting choice, I must say...

**********: ...Why should I agree to this mission if you won't even tell me what it is?

The Hobo General straightens up and stares you straight in the eyes.

Hobo General: Now listen here Captain! You can either take this mission or you can leave it, but if you choose to accept it you WILL treat me as your superior officer, and that means I ask the questions! Now what's it going to be, Captain?

> Nah, I'm just really not into the whole taking orders thing.
> Alright, I'm in, but I'm not wearing one of those army dog tags with my name on it. Those guys always end up dead in the movies.
> Back to Docks


Hobo General: Glad to hear it, Captain. Welcome aboard.

**********: So what do I do now? Can you tell me anything else about these Gutter Punks, or this Canbodia place?

Hobo General: All in good time, Captain. This Mission will be filled with dangers, and you'll have to assemble an able crew to help you.

**********: Like who?

Hobo General: More on that tomorrow, Captain. For now, rest up.

> Yessir!
> Back to Docks


End of Adventure 1

Read your Dossier.



Now that you have a boat, Captain, you will need a crew to assist you on your very dangerous assignment.

Your crew of four has been preselected for you. Your job is to convince them to join you.

First off is this man:

Lance: The best damned Cart Racer around. When he's not engaged in covert ops, Lance can be found schooling other hobos over on Suicide Hill.


Go to the Suicide Hill and Greg's.


You find Lance chatting with Dirty Greg casually.

***********: Lance!

Lance: Do I know you?

***********: I need you to join my crew. I've got a very important mission from the Hobo Army.

Lance: Hobo Army? No way mannnnn, I'm a pacifist. The only competition I like to engage in is of the cart racing variety. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a meeting with my sponsor to get to.

And with that Lance marches out of Dirty Greg's. Hmmmm, maybe you should follow him. There's got to be some way to convince him....


Go to the City Advertising.


You find Lance chatting with a marketing executive.

Lance: I dunno man... I'd feel sorta uncomfortable having Dylan stare at me like that in an ad...

Marketing Exec: Hey, it worked for Victoria's Secret. We'll even let you wear Dylan's cowboy hat.

Lance: You know... I think I want outta this commercial deal...

Lance turns around and spots you.

Lance: You again? What's up?

***********: I've got a secret mission, and I need YOU on my crew Lance!

Lance: I dunno man... sounds kinda dangerous... I'm too good for these racers. I've gotta go look into advancing my racing class.


Go to City License.


You find Lance peeking through the Racing Class listings.

Lance: I'm still on top baby. Ohhhhh yeeaaaaahhhh.

***********: If you join my crew there might be a special reward in it for you Lance...

Lance: Mannnnn, I'm up to my neck in cash with all the licensing deals I've got. Not interested. Now, pardon me, I've got to replace the wheels on my cart.


Go to Ben's Parts.


You find Lance purchasing some new wheels for his cart.

Lance: Oh, you again. What's up?

***********: Look Lance! I've got this top secret Dossier here that specifically says I need YOU on my crew.

You hand Lance the dossier.

Lance: Hey, that's a pretty good picture of me...

You grab the dossier back from Lance.

Lance: Look, I'm kinda busy at the moment. I'm gonna go switch around some of my cart parts.


Go to Your Garage.


You find Lance giving his cart a thorough washing.

Lance: Dirty carts are less aerodynamic, y'know.

***********: Lance, you've seriously got to consider joining my crew. I can't do this mission without you!

Lance: No way, no how. Not while I've got this sweet cart racing gig.

Lance finishes getting the grime out of his cart spokes.

Lance: Sorry man, but I've had my eye on one of those sweet new platinum carts...


Go to Pete's Garage.


You find Lance at Pete's, checking out some primo carts.

Pete: I still don't get why you need ANOTHER platinum cart Lance.

Lance: I'm gonna trick this baby out with some new hydraulics, leave the competition eating my dirt.

***********: Lance, you've got to leave this vain, empty life of luxury and success behind and join me and my crew on what is certain to be a bare-bones life-threatening adventure!

Lance: You again man? Why won't you just leave me alone. Now excuse me, I've got a surplus of points I've gotta do something with...


Go to the Exchange Shop.


You find Lance walking out of the exchange shop wheeling a cart full of tokens.

Lance: You again!? Man, I'm not joining the Hobo Army! I told you!

***********: Don't you want the honor of serving Lance?

Lance: Mannnnnn, you just don't get it. Now, could you get outta my way? I've got a big race to get to...


Go to the Liquor Store and buy a Goon Sack then go back to Greg's.


You find Lance chatting with his coach before the big race.

Coach: Remember Lance, you're the best, so just get out there and do what you do. You don't got nothin' to worry bout from these chumps.

Lance: Thanks Coach. Hey, I'm kinda thirsty. Could you bring me a bottle of water before the race starts.

Coach: Sure thing champ. I'll be right back.

You follow the coach around the corner where you find him sticking a dollar into a soda machine. He picks up the bottle of water that clunks out and begins walking back towards the racing area...

> Whack him over the head and take the bottled water
> Let him bring Lance the water

You whack the coach over the head quickly. He falls to the ground like a sack of potatoes. You pick up the bottle of water. Now what?

Dump out the water and fill it with booze?


Select Goon Sack here and push „do it!“


You dump the water out of the bottle and fill it with Goon Sack. You screw the cap back on and bring the bottle to Lance.

Lance: Hey, you again? Where's the coach?

***********: He... uh... had a heart attack. He told me to bring you this.

Lance: Oh geez, I hope he's okay...

You hand Lance the water and he takes a big swig before choking and coughing.

Lance: Whoa! This water tastes kinda funny... Mannnn, I feel a little wobbly...

Announcer: Racers to your starting positions!

> Watch the race!

You head up to the stands to watch the race. There's a gunshot, and they're off! Lance busts out of the gate and maintains first place for a few moments. Suddenly, his cart begins to wobble and weave a bit...

Lance's cart loses control and topples over! He flies into the wall and the competition zoom past! By the time Lance picks himself up and gets back in his cart, it's too late. He finishes the race in last place...

You find Lance looking bummed out by himself after the race.

Lance: Mannnnn, I just got a call. My sponsors have pulled my TV spots. Everyone thinks my racing career is over... I don't know what I'm gonna do now...

***********: Have you ever considered a career in the service son?

Lance: What? Oh yeah... that Hobo Army thing...

Lance stands up.

Lance: What the heck man. I've got nothing left here. I'll join your crew.

Score!

***********: I'll see you at the Second City docks tomorrow... I'm gonna go get some rest right now. I don't feel so good...

As usual you need to open your Dossier.



Continue assembling your crew, Captain... You will be traveling into the the heart of Canbodia, up through the Canbodian River, and you'll need every damn man you can get. It will be dangerous... This is the Gutter Punks' home turf after all.

But focus on the task at hand for now. Here is what we can tell you about your second crew member.

???: This mysterious man goes by the code name of "Morpheus". He has superhuman fighting abilities, and really cool sunglasses. He will prove invaluable to you on your mission. He was last spotted in Hoburbia somewhere inside the Chocolate Factory.


Go to the Survailance Room and put in 1439065


You tune the receiver to channel 1439065, and suddenly a figure starts to materialize before you...

Morpheus: Hello Neo. I've been looking for you. I don't know if you're ready to see what I want to show you.

You look around your shoulder to see if there is somebody else in the room. Nope. He must be talking to you.

Morpheus: Do you believe in fate, Neo?

**********: ...ummmm... Not really... Look... Will you join my crew?

Morpheus: I will join your crew... If you can best me.

> We're not gonna have to fight, are we?

Morpheus: The game is Hobothello! I'm the blue pills, you're the red ones. You can find rules for the game all over the matrix. Here, for instance. If you end up with the most pieces, I'll join your
crew. If you lose or we tie, you go back to the normal world and it's like none of this happened.


You have to win the game. Sorry but I can't give you any hints on how to win this cause I only won it by chance... Actually the hint given in the link are not bad for winning this. Once you won it a window will pop up with the result and a new link will appear in the lower right corner.


Morpheus: Uhhh, you win.

[So you'll join my crew?]

Morpheus: Yes, I will join your crew. But for now, I will return to the Matrix and prepare for our journey. Good luck, Neo.

As usual read your Dossier first.



Maybe you're wondering why we're sending you into Canbodia? All I can say for now is that we're sending you after someone in particular. One man whose methods have become... unsound.

For now though, your top priority is to find your third crew member. Every crew needs a cook, and you've probably already met yours.

Crazy Eddie: Crazy Eddie works the soup kitchen over in Hoburbia. He is famed for his cooking skills with normally nonedible objects, like soap, boots, discarded cans... Which, as you can imagine, is a huge plus in the cash strapped Hobo Army.


Go to the Soup Kitchen.


You walk into the soup kitchen and yell behind the counter.

**********: Hey Crazy Eddie! Wanna join my crew?

He doesn't budge.

Soup Kitchen Lady: You're wasting your time.

**********: Look, I know Crazy Eddie is hard of hearing, but I really gotta talk to him.

Soup Kitchen Lady: No no no! That's not Crazy Eddie!

**********: huhhh?

Soup Kitchen Lady: That's his twin brother, Crazy Freddie, filling in for him. Eddie's busy with some kinda cooking competition that's being held over at the court house.


Go to the Court House.


Out front of the Court House a group of hobos seems to have set up some kind of... cooking competition. Several hobos are seated in front of vats sitting atop garbage fires. You recognize one of them as... Crazy Eddie!

**********: Eddie! I need you on my crew! I've got a very dangerous mission from the Hobo Army!

Crazy Eddie: Eddie like cooking.

**********: That's... great. So whaddya say? You wanna go for an adventure?

Crazy Eddie: Crazy Eddie do cooking. You win cooking, I go adventure.

Eddie points towards a boiling vat with nobody sitting in front of it. A thickly bearded Hobo sitting at a table stands up to make an announcement. He must be the judge.

Hobo Judge: The Competition will begin shortly! We just need one more entrant!

> Sign up? (2T)

You put our name on the sign up sheet and take a seat behind the vat.

Hobo Judge: Alright cooks! The rules are: I will give you 1 main ingredient that MUST BE used in your dish! I will also give you an idea of what kind of taste and feel I am looking for in the dish. You can use up to seven ingredients.

You look down and see someone has set out a bunch of ingredients for you next to the vat, though most of them don't look too appetizing...

Hobo Judge: You may begin cooking once the main ingredient is announced... Ready? Okay, the main ingredient today is....

> Ready yourself...

Hobo Judge: Your main ingredient is.... SOMETHING


Ok I failed the first time here a list of what ingredients you need to use. If there is a “ “ in between 2 things you can make it „really“ taste like it.


It's been awhile since I've had any seafood. → rotten fish
I could really go for something glazed. → mirror shard
I've got a hankerin' for something fruity. → apple core
I'm in the mood for some poultry. → raw chicken leg
I need more fiber in my diet... → rope, empty
pack of fries Whatever you make should be fresh! → soap+raw chicken leg
I've got a sweet tooth today. → donut AND prechewed gum
Make something... bubbly → soap
Make it salty! → fries AND rotten fish together
Give the soup some froth. → soap
Don't make the dish too simple! → seriously no idea, if you got any CONFIRMED ideas please post them anywhere and I will add them
Make something intense! → rotten fish raw chicken leg raw potato
Make it earthy! → raw potato
I'm pretty hungry. Whatever you come up with, make sure it's hearty. → bowling shoes potato
Make it sugary! → donut
Make me something with potatoes. → fries potato


This is were I ran out if T so you gotta figure out the rest by yourself and please post it somewhere on here.


You walk over to where Crazy Eddie is sitting looking gloomily into his vat of bubbly soup.

Crazy Eddie: You win fair square. Me listen.

**********: Eddie, join my crew! We're going to go sailing up into Canbodia!

Crazy Eddie: huh?

**********: Canbodia! Join my crew!

Crazy Eddie: Eddie go with ********** for adventure?

**********: That's right! Meet me at the docks tomorrow morning! You're joining my crew!

Crazy Eddie nods.

Crazy Eddie: Me understand.

He returns to stirring his soup gloomily as all the other hobo cooks start to pack up their supplies.

Mission 4 Complete
End of Mission 4

Like the days before you gotta search your Dossier for advice in the beginning.




Just one more crewmember Captain, then your mission will begin... Your mission to find and eliminate the traitorous bastard who...

Well, we'll get to all that soon. For now, find this man.

Ahab the Hackeysack Champion: Once a uniquely qualified Ship's Captain, Ahab has in recent years relinquished his bonds to the sea and instead opted to dominate the Second City Hackeysack Circuit. He can often be found in the Second City Parking Garage. Nobody is quite sure what he does in there, but he always seems to emerge with his knuckles covered in blood.


In order to do this you need to have recruited Ahab the Hackeysack Champion if you do, go to the Parking Garage and pay your $100. If however you do not have him go to the Adventure 1 guide and read how to get him.
In order do get Ahab you need to go to the fight club. If you already recruited him simply go to the Parking Garage, if however you did not recruit him yet you need to go to the Parking Garage and Tyler will tell you to go to the 3rd sewer. You will find Ahab at the position mentioned in the guide to Adventure 1.


You step inside the Parking Garage to find Ahab the Hackeysack Champion watching two scrawny guys fight.

**********: Cap'n! I've been looking for you! Would you like to join my crew?

Ahab the Hackeysack Champion: Crew?

**********: I've received a very important mission from the Hobo Army, and I want you to steer my ship.

Ahab the Hackeysack Champion: Mission eh? Yarrrggghhh... I'll join yer crew... But ye've got to prove yerself first. Meet me at the docks.

And with that Ahab takes off, leaving you standing alone in the sewer.


Go to the Docks.


> Talk to Ahab

Ahab: Arighty, the rules arrrrggghhh simple. You prove yerself to me and I join yer crew.

Ahab pulls out a small hackeysack and kicks it to you! Your instincts kick in and you send the hackeysack sailing back to him with your right foot.

Ahab: Arrrgghhh, quick reflexes, not bad. But that's junior league. 'Ere's me challenge to ye: I've hackeyed tennis balls, rocks, soccer balls... Iffin ye find and hackey an object I kinna hack, I'll join yer crew. So 'ow about it?


Ok now the next couple lines are just to show you what will happen if you choose the objects listed without being prepared. If you want to know how to proceed just use the search option and search for ####.

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You pull out the Crystal Skull. It's lighter than you'd expect. You kick it around a bit before tossing it off to Ahab.

Ahab: Yahaarrrrr, watch this.

Ahab bounces the Crystal Skull up and down on it's knee so that the jaw pops open and close. Suddenly Ahab starts throwing his voice so that it appears the Crystal Skull is speaking.

Ahab: Say hello, dummy.

Crystal Skull (Ahab): Hello Dummy!

Ahab kicks the Crystal Skull back to you.
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You gently place the Faberge Egg on your shoe and kick it over to Ahab. He catches it gingerly on his boot.

Ahab: Yaharrggghh, ye must Hackey an egg like you win the heart o' a lady. With tenderness and care.

Ahab rolls the Faberge Egg around a bit and softly tosses it from foot to foot before catching it in his hand and giving it back to you.

Ahab: I learned long ago not tuh be so cavalier in me hackeying. What else ye got?
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You pull the signed basketball out of your backpack and juggle it back and forth with your feet. You kick it over to Ahab who keeps it airborne with both feet for a while before kicking it straight into a conveniently placed basketball hoop.

Nothing but net.

**********: Where'd that basketball hoop come from?

Ahab: Nice try. Got anything else?
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You pull out the Prize-Winning Yorkshire Terrier and hack it up in the air.

Terrier: Yap yap yap!!!!

The puppy runs over to Ahab.

Ahab: Awwww, did the bad man kick ye? You wanna treat little feller?

Ahab pulls a doggy treat out of his coat and kicks it up in the air. Then he quickly places his foot underneath the Yorkie and gives it a quick gentle push up into the air. The Yorkie flies up and catches the doggy treat mid-air before landing safely on all fours and yipping.

Ahab: What else ye got?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahab: Yaharrrr, I used to work in a carrrggghhhnival. You got anything else?

You pull out the Extra Large Bowling Ball. Ahab gives you a tentative look. You gulp and throw the bowling ball up in the air with both hands. It flies up in the air and lands on your foot crushing it.

You lose 1000 life!

**********: Yeeeooooooowwwwww!

Ahab: ARRRGGGGHHH HAR HAR HAR!!!! Ye've got a curious eye fer hackeysacks mate! Arrrggghhh har har...

You limp away with a few broken foot bones. Seems you're not strong enough to keep a bowling ball airborne with your feet. Curious.
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#### You gotta eat some Altoids (which can be bought in Tin Can Alley) in order to be able to kick the Extra Large Bowling Ball.


You pop the Altoids into your mouth. They make you feel curiously strong.

You feel curiously strong!


Now try to give him the Extra Large Bowling Ball (which you can buy in the Tin Can Alley if you don't have already).


You pull out the Extra Large Bowling Ball. Ahab gives you a tentative look. You gulp and throw the bowling ball up in the air with both hands. You kick out your foot and send the Bowling Ball flying back up into the air.

**********: Hey, this isn't so hard!

You hackey the Bowling Ball for a little while before kicking it towards Ahab. He just jumps out of the way and the Bowling Ball crashes to the ground.

Ahab: Yarrrgghh, seems I underestimated ye. Okay, I'm a man o me word. I'll join yer crew. I'll be 'ere at the docks bright n early tomorruh.

MISSION 6

A full crew! Wonderful Captain! Now we get down to business...

Included with this Dossier page is a map of Canbodia. Use this map to navigate to the mouth of the Canbodian river on your Wonka Boat. I will rendevous with you at the Hobo Army base near the beach there.

You get the Canbodia Map


Go to your Bag and click on the Map.

Canbodia

Ahab steers the Wonka boat out from the Second City Dock, and soon enough you and the crew are surrounded by open sea.

Ahab: Yaharrrggg! It's not much o' a trip Cap'n. Look, ye kin already make out the rivarrrggghhhh.

You peer over the side of the deck where you spot, off in the distance, the mouth of the Canbodian River, sandwiched between what looks like an army base constructed out of cardboard boxes and a beach. There seems to be some sort of conflict being waged on the beach...

Ahab: Where should we dock first Cap'n?

> Dock at the Army Base
> Dock at the Beach


You land your Wonka Boat near the Hobo Army Base and turn to your crew.

**********: You guys stay here. I'm gonna go have a chat with the Hobo General.

You step out and head up a small path to the Hobo Army Base, which is pretty much just a series of cardboard boxes with flags in between them. You find the Hobo General arguing with a lower ranking hobo.

Hobo General: Whaddya mean we're out of booze? We've got hobos out there fighting a war, Private, and they won't stand a chance without their hooch!

Private: But General, we've got no funds left, and all our best beggars are out in the field!

Hobo General: Then pull them out!

Private: But General-

Hobo General: NOW Private! I want at least a dozen cases of beer and liquor by sundown! Now MOVE!

Private: Yessir!

As the Colonel walks away the General turns and notices you.

Hobo General: Ah! Captain! Please, come into my office. We need to chat.

> Follow him into his office

You follow the Hobo General into what appears to be the largest cardboard box on base.

Hobo General: Please, have a seat Captain.

The General points towards an upside down bucket placed on the floor in front of a large wooden spool. You and the General take your seats on the opposite side of his "desk".

Hobo General: It's time I told you a bit more about your mission, Captain. Are you familiar with this man?

The General hands you a polaroid of some bald guy.

**********: Nope. Never seen em'.

Hobo General: That's Colonel Kurtz. He's a pathetic drunk... But he is... was... the best damn pathetic drunk in this Hobo Army. Bastard was worth nine of our finest beggars.

> What happened to Kurtz?

What happened, Captain, is that Colonel Kurtz went insane.

**********: Insane?

Hobo General: That's the best we can figure. We don't know exactly what happened to Kurtz... He was captured in battle by a group of the Gutter Punks... We thought he was done for. But not a week later we got word he was alive.

**********: So what's the problem?

Hobo General: Kurtz lived because he joined with the Gutter Punks.

**********: So you're sending me after a traitor?

Hobo General: Kurtz is no mere defector Captain! Kurtz is now in charge of the Gutter Punks! They made him their leader!

Suddenly the Private rushes into the General's office gasping!

Private: General! We pulled out our beggars, but some of those guys were our best flag men! We're in desperate need of troops!

Hobo General: Hrmmmm... Captain! Take your crew and head to Hobo Beach! You're to assist in this battle! We can continue this chat later.

[Leave Hobo Army Base]


You get back to the Map so now click on the Beach.


You land the Wonka Boat on the shore of Hobo Beach and turn to your crew.

**********: You guys stay here. I'll be back.

Ahab: Aye aye Cap'n.

You hop off the boat and immediately the scene of full scale conflict unfolds before your eyes. A little ways inland you see Gutterpunks with pipes and rubber knives fighting Hobos with Wooden Bats and BB Guns.

Colonel Kilgore: Ah, Captain, there you are.

You turn around to see a rather intense looking fellow with large sunglasses and a cavalry hat.

Colonel Kilgore: Name's Kilgore, Captain. I'm in charge of flag capturing operatons here.

> Flag capturing?

Kilgore: You see that anarchy flag down yonder?

Kilgore points a finger and you can spot, far away, a tightly packed contingent of Gutter Punks guarding a large anarchy flag.

Kilgore: That's Golf Papa's flag! You guys capture that flag, and we win this-

The end of Kilgore's sentence is drowned out by the sound of a a large explosion nearby.

Kilgore: You'll be commanding our flag capture alpha team. We can chat more after you capture that flag. Well, I'll leave you to it! Good luck!

> Capture the flag!

You control the Hobo Army, represented by the blue pieces. One of the red pieces represents Golf Papa's flag, and it's up to you to find it.

You and Golf Papa each move one piece per turn, one space up, down, left, or right. You can move a piece onto an empty white spot or onto an enemy piece. Moving onto an enemy piece causes the pieces to engage in battle, and the losing piece is removed from the board.
The Pieces

Starting
Start out by arranging your pieces. You can swap piece positions by clicking on a piece and then clicking on the piece you'd like to switch it with. When you're done, click the "Start Game" button to begin.


In the Beginning you can do some switching and I'd advice you to put the but a 2 infront of your flag as well as securing it with the bombs. Once you win the game you get this.


You Captured the flag!

Beneath the enemy flag you find a piece of bread wrapped in a bright green leaf...

You take the Smart Bread and place it into your trolly.

> Continue!

Kilgore: Nice work Captain. Those Gutter Punks'll be back tomorrow with a new flag, but for now we can relax.

Suddenly a Hobo Army Private comes rushing up carrying a wooden crate.

Private: Sir! The Alcohol has arrived!

Kilgore: Wonderful! Tonight we drink in your honor Captain **********! Call your men off your boat and we can all celebrate around the campfire!

> Fetch the crew

You run back to the Wonka boat and grab Lance, Ahab, and Crazy Eddie.

Morpheus: I will stay and watch the boat. Go Neo! Fulfill your destiny!

All four of you head back to the campsite where you take your place around the campfire with Kilgore and the other Hobo Army Soldiers. It isn't long before bottles of booze are being shoved into everyone's hands.

You get the Ruiner's Rum

Kilgore stands up and raises his forty.

Kilgore: Tonight I'd like to propose a toast to Capt- hold on a minute. What's your name Soldier?

Colonel Kilgore looks straight at Lance.

Lance: Me sir? Lance Johnson?

Kilgore: Lance Johnson, the Cart Racer?

Lance: Yes sir.

Kilgore: Well I'll be damned! I'm a huge fan Lance! You know we do a bit of racing around here Lance. Of course no where in your league.

Kilgore sits down next to Lance and starts talking his ear off about Cart Racing. Eddie is already working on his second Forty and Ahab is challenging some new recruits to a game of hackeysack. It looks like you and the crew won't be going anywhere else tonight. Best just wait til morning.

Same as always, read your Dossier.


Congratulations on your victory in battle yesterday Captain. If you ever have some extra time on your hands, we could always use a hand in battle over on the beach.

Now, back to business... We began discussing Kurtz yesterday. Your Ultimate goal, Captain, is to make your way all the way up the Canbodian River to Kurtz's Base, find him, and... terminate his command.

Go retrieve your crew from the beach and begin making your way down the river.


Go to the Canbodian Beach.


You wander down onto the beach and find Ahab and Eddie passed out clutching empty bottles of booze. You kick Ahab.

Ahab: Yaharrrgghhh!! What mutiny be this? Oh- Cap'n. Good morning to ye.

**********: We've gotta get going Ahab... Have you seen Lance?

Ahab: Aye. He be down the beach with that Kilgore brigand.

**********: I'll get Lance. Can you grab Eddie and head back to the boat and wait for us?

Ahab: Aye aye Cap'n.

> Find Lance

You wander down the beach a bit and find Lance and Colonel Kilgore standing around the Colonel's Racing Cart.

Kilgore: Ah, I love the smell of Goon Sack in the Morning... smells like.....victory.

Kilgore lifts a goon sack to his lips and drinks heartily.

Kilgore: Now, back to my cart. As you can see, Lance, I've got this puppy loaded with some nice hydraulics and a spoiler but I can't seem to push it past a speed of 75 or 80. Do you think my hat's lack of aerodynamics is holding me back?

Lance: Well... It's possible, but I'd say it's more likely your rusted wheels are creating some drag that's keeping you back. This wet Canbodian air can't be good for your cart parts.

Kilgore: Hey.... You mind showing me a few moves Lance?

**********: Scuse me Colonel, but it's really time Lance and I were on our way. We've got an important mission.

Kilgore: Just a minute Captain.

> Ahem...

Kilgore: Now Lance, would you say it's worth the tokens to go from the Remedy-50A to the Remedy-50B cart?

Lance: Look Colonel, I should probably be going with the Captain...

Kilgore: What would you say is more important to top speed, a motor or wheels?

> Tap your feet impatiently

Suddenly there's a huge explosion behind the three of you! The Gutter Punks are launching a new attack on the beach.

**********: Should we really be discussing Carts?! The Gutter Punks are moving this way!

Kilgore: Golf Papa don't Cart, Captain! Now, I've got an idea Lance, how about you show us all some moves?

Lance: Sir, we really should be taking cover!

Kilgore turns around.

Kilgore: The war'll be here tomorrow Lance. So how about it? Did you bring your cart with-

> Yoink Kilgore's cart so he'll shut up (3T)

You grab Kilgore's Racing Cart and start rushing down the beach with it.

Kilgore: Hey! What's going on here Captain!?

**********: Lance, get back to the boat! I'll be there soon.

Kilgore: Come back here with that!

Kilgore takes off after you as Lance takes off towards the Wonka Boat!

> Run!


Now what comes next is just like the Fizzy Soda Rooms. But this time there are different scenarios. In the following you can see what has the best outcome for you on each scenario.


You run down the beach pushing Kilgore's Racing Cart while he runs after you yelling and waving his hat. The beach ahead is unobstructed!

> Pick up a shell and throw it at Kilgore
> Kick some sand at Kilgore
> Jump into the cart and coast
> Just keep running!

You spot a bunch of large lumps in the sand just up ahead! Careful, those could be landmines!

> Power on through them
> Try to jump over them
> Navigate through them cautiously
> Just keep running!

A few feet up ahead you spot a small shovel and a pail!

> Pick them up and chuck them at Kilgore
> Grab the shovel and dig dig dig
> Stop and quickly construct a sandcastle
> Just keep running!

A few feet up ahead you spot a beach ball!

> Punt it back straight at Kilgore
> Jump on it!
> Headbutt it towards Kilgore
> Just keep running!


In the end you get this:


The Wonka Boat catches up to you and you leap on board!

> Continue

You pull Kilgore's cart up onto the Wonka Boat where Lance, Ahab, Eddie, and Morpheus are waiting to depart.

**********: Ahab! Take us upriver!

Just as the Wonka Boat pulls out, Kilgore chucks his goon sack at you. Miraculously, it lands on the floor of the boat without spilling a drop!

You get the Goon Sack

Kilgore reaches the edge of the beach and feebly waves his hat and yells.

Ahab steers the boat down the Canbodian River for a bit until the beach fades away and you're surrounded on all sides by jungle. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief...

Suddenly, you feel a monologue coming on.

> Continue

As we floated up the Canbodian river I wondered to myself,

If this is how Kilgore fought the war, what hope was there? Maybe this is what drove Kurtz to the other side...

Some day this war's gonna end.

That'd be just fine with Eddie, Ahab, Lance, Morpheus...

They weren't looking for anything more than a way home.

Trouble is, I'd been back there... and I knew it just didn't exist anymore...

It wasn't long before we heard the thunderous chop of helicopters on our tail...

> Continue

Lance: Hey Captain... Here comes Kilgore again.

The roar of helicopter blades fuses with the voice of Kilgore amplified through a megaphone.

Kilgore: I will not hurt or harm you! Just give me back the cart **********! It was a good cart and I liked it! You know how hard it is to find a cart you like! I will not hurt or harm you!

**********: Ahab! Take cover!

Ahab: Aye aye Cap'n.

Ahab pulls the Wonka Boat to the side of the river underneath a canvas of tree coverage.

Lance: Woo. That was a close one.

> We'd better rest here for a while...

**********: Let's bank here for a while til this whole thing blows over. Eddie, you wanna go inland and find us some food.

Eddie nods and hops off the boat.

**********: And Morpheus, get rid of this Cart. We don't have enough room on the boat to be lugging this thing around.

Kilgore continues to circle overhead yelling into his megaphone, asking for his Cart back.

Ahab: yaharrgggghhh... Looks like we'll have to stay 'ere overnight.



From the ending of this Mission on you can gamble on the Beach for one Smart Bread a day. I't just a simplified version of the game on Mission 6.

Start your day with the usual Dossier reading.

MISSION 8

You should know a bit more about the man you'll be facing at the end of the river. I've included a photograph with this dossier page.

Kurtz was a begging prodigy. He had a way of getting into people's heads, see. It was because of his significant talents that officers looked the other way when Kurtz began to display some... unsettling tendencies.

He was found several times skating and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon by himself. This made many wonder if he secretly harbored Gutter Punk sympathies, but nobody dared voice their concerns... He was just too valuable.

Kurtz's last mission was to infiltrate the Dive Bar just upriver from where you are now. His orders were to simply clean out the bar of all their booze. Everything was in place. A clean operation.

But the Gutter Punks were onto us. They ambushed Kurtz and his team. By the time reinforcements arrived, they were gone...

We ended up taking the Bar that night. A grand victory for the Hobo Army, and a huge loss for Golf Papa, but the loss of Kurtz weighed heavy on us...

Continue your trip downriver Captain. You're doing well.


Go to the Canbodian Jungle.


**********: Alright everyone, time to ship out. Hey... Where's Eddie?

Lance: Eddie never came back from the jungle man.

> *sigh* Go and find Eddie
> Leave him behind

You hop off the Wonka boat and head out into the jungle to look for Eddie.

Stretching before is jungle, jungle and more jungle...

> Explore


Follow the map to get Eddie and find the Tiger.



You hear something rustling in the jungle nearby... Eddie tenses up. You pull out your weapon...

Suddenly, you see an orange and black striped creature jump out of the thicket!

Eddie: TIGER!

Eddie bolts back towards the Wonka Boat, but you stand your ground. Oddly enough, the tiger starts to speak.

Tiger: Hey man, you know how to get to the Dive Bar from here?

> Errr

Upon closer inspection, you notice the creature speaking to you is no tiger, but is a creepy looking furry dressed up as a tiger.

**********: Errrrrr... You're on the wrong side of the river. You need to make your way to the other bank.

You pull out your Map of Canbodia and point out the Dive Bar to the Tiger Furry.

Tiger: Thanks man. I heard FurrCon was being held tomorrow at the Dive Bar. Ladies dressed up as bunnies. Finally a place I can be myself!

**********: Uhhhh, that's great... Look, I gotta go.

Tiger: Alright, thanks buddy. Hey, any chance you can give me a lift to the other side of the river?

> No!
> Hell NO! ← I don't think it makes any difference but I clicked this.

**********: Uh... Sorry man... Ummm, I don't have a boat.

Tiger: Ah well, thanks anyway. I'll find a way over. Later man.

You decide it's time to get the hell out of here.

> Run back to the Wonka Boat

You run back to the Wonka boat as fast as you can to find Eddie has already lept on board and is sweating frantically.

Eddie: t-t-t-TIGER!

**********: It's okay Eddie. The tiger's gone.

**********: Ahab. Take us upstream. We'll dock at the Dive Bar, refuel and rest.

Ahab: Aye!

The Wonka boat pulls out of the jungle enclosure and heads upstream.

Morpheus: Never get out of the Wonka Boat...

> Never get out of the Wonka boat...

Never get out of the Wonka boat. Absolutely goddamn right. Unless you were going all the way.

Kurtz got off the boat. He split from the whole fuckin' program. How did that happen?

What happened to him after the Dive Bar? Why did he join the Gutter Punks? Kurtz knew what he was giving up.

The more I read and began to understand, the more I admired him.

> Continue

Ahab steers the boat upriver while Eddie cooks and hands out bowls of soup. Everyone is silent as they down what appears to be bubbly broken glass soup.

It's not too long before the Wonka Boat pulls up to a fluorescently-lit old building with lots of whooping and hollering sounds coming from inside.

Ahab: Here we be Cap'n, Ye Olde Dive Bar.

**********: You guys head on in. I'll see if I can't find us some fuel.

> Look around

The crew all head inside the night club and you bumble about a bit outside the club until you find a lone mechanic manning a small refueling station.

**********: Hey, I need some fuel for my boat.

Mechanic: Aight. What does it run on?

**********: Ummmm.... I'm not sure...

Mechanic: Let's take a look.

> Lead the mechanic back to the Wonka Boat

You lead the Mechanic over to the Wonka Boat where he starts peaking around the motor.

Mechanic: Huh, Looks like this thing runs on a mixture of Joy, Children's laughter, Sugar, and Petrol. I'll have to overnight order the fuel from Hoburbia.

**********: Drat.

Mechanic: What's the rush? You'll wanna stick around til tomorrow anyway.

**********: Why?

Mechanic: The Rum Bunnies will be here promoting Ruiner's Rum. These are some fine looking ladies. You and your crew would be sorry to miss it.

Looks like you have no choice. You'll have to just stay docked here for the evening.

Now this one was a little tough to write down which is why it took me so long to post. First of all you need to check your Dossier as usual. On a side-note: you'll want to be sober for this day.



Hello again Captain. Your mission to terminate Colonel Kurtz's command is of supreme importance, but there is something else you must do today.

You and your crew should have made it to the Dive Bar by now. You'll remember that we took the Dive Bar from Golf Papa in the same battle where Kurtz was captured. Well, they haven't exactly given up on getting the bar back from us.

The Rum Bunnies will be making an appearance at the Dive Bar tonight to promote Ruiner's Rum. We have learned that the Gutter Punks have disguised one of their own as a bunny and are planning some act of sabotage.

You must find the Fake Bunny and stop the Gutter Punk's plot! Gutter Punks all have tattoos or piercings. If you see one, you'll have found your bunny.

Good luck Captain!


Go to the Dive Bar.


You step inside of the Dive Bar and suddenly the enormity of your task strikes you: There are at least 20 women dressed as bunnies selling rum and handing out freebies all over the bar.

Unsurpisingly, the place is packed to the gills with enlisted men. There's an entire wall of guys just standing there, ogling the bunnies and hooting.

Off to the left is the bar area. You can make out Ahab's ostentatious hat poking up out of the crowd.
Over to your right are the pool tables, jukebox, and bathrooms.


Go to the pool table and head over to the Jukebox.


You find Morpheus digging through the jukebox.

Morpheus: Ah, hello Neo. It is good that you are here.

**********: Oh?

Morpheus: Yes. You have to make a choice Neo. Do you go home, or do you stay in wonderland and find out how deep the rabbit hole goes? It's up to you to choose.

**********: Err....

Morpheus: I can see you are hesitant. There is a third option, Neo. You can continue to dream. You must make a choice though.
> Go home ← Will result in playing “Sweet home Alabama”
> Find out how deep the rabbit hole goes ← Will play “White Rabbit”
> Continue to dream ← Will play “Dream on” but you'll never need it.
> eh, this is silly. Keep looking around the pool table area
> Forget this noise... head back to the bar entrance

**********: I choose to go home.

Morpheus: I'm sorry to hear that, Neo.

Morpheus shoves a quarter into the jukebox, punches a few buttons, and suddenly Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd starts playing all throughout the bar.


Now head back to the entrance and join the crowd of oglers.


You find a good spot against a wall and spend some time eyeing the Ruiner's Rum Bunnies, you perv you.

At least you're not alone. This entire wall is lined with Enlisted Men eyeing the Rum Bunnies none too discretely. To your right is a flashy looking guy with sunglasses and a suit-jacket who doesn't quite look like he belongs inside a dive bar in a war zone...

You look over and see an Infantryman with a southern drawl hooting and pumping his fist.

In the very corner of the room you spot... Oh no. It's that creepy Tiger furry you met in the jungle.

> Talk to the Southern Infantryman
> Talk to the Flashy fellow with the sunglasses
> Talk to the Furry
> Forget this noise... head back to the bar entrance

Southern Infantryman: Boy Howdy, I tell you what, this song always brings a tear to my eye... Reminds me of home...

The Southern Infantryman seems to be enjoying your music selection. He stands there transfixed, a tear in his eye. You notice a well-worn screwdriver rising out of one of his Breast Pockets...

> Try and steal his screwdriver

Your subtle attempt at thievery is successful! The Southern Infantryman is so transfixed by the music he doesn't notice a thing!

You get the Lucky Screwdriver

Southern Infantryman: Y'know what? This song has reminded me what the good life is all about... Shoot, I'm gonna go talk to one of them Rum Bunnies! Wish me luck!

He walks off into the crowd and starts hitting on the Bunnies.

> Wish him luck and continue your ogling
> Wish him luck head back to the bar entrance


Talk to him again.


You walk over to the where the Southern Infantryman is on the floor and ask him what he's doing.

Southern Infantryman: I was talking to one of them bunnies, feeling pretty lucky when I noticed my Lucky Screwdriver had gone missing. I lost my nerve and struck out... And now I'm over here trying to find my Lucky Screwdriver. Boy Howdy, this is turning into a pretty sorry evening...

You whistle nonchalantly.

Southern Infantryman: Funny thing is, I was talking to this girl and I noticed she had a strange mark on one of her wrists. Must of been a tattoo or something. Don't see that too often in girls like that.

**********: Uhhh, do you remember which Girl had the Tattoo?

Southern Infantryman: Hmmmm, All I can remember is she was definitely NOT wearing glasses.

**********: Thanks.


I'm not sure if all the hints are the same for everyone so I'd say it's smart to write down the hints you are getting. Since you have your first hint why not go get the second? Once again go to the Jukebox and tell Morpheus to play “White Rabbit”.


**********: Take me down the rabbit hole.

Morpheus: Remember... all I'm offering you is the truth. Nothing more.

Morpheus shoves a quarter into the jukebox, punches a few buttons, and suddenly White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane starts playing all throughout the bar.


Once again go to the oglers but this time talk to the Flashy fellow with the sunglasses.


Flashy Guy: You see that? You see how they're all lined up? That's our signal. Every damn jukebox in every damn bar we go to for promotions seems to have White Rabbit on it, so I told the girls "If you ever hear White Rabbit, that's the signal to reconvene in the center of the bar." It's sort of like a football huddle.

You look over to where all the Rum Bunnies are standing in a line, looking slightly confused.

Flashy Guy: Let me tell you something pal, our newest girl, She's the one without blonde hair, she's a strange one. Not really sure where she came from, but she disappears and is always talking to herself. Guess, I should go tell the girls White Rabbit was a false alarm this time...

The Flashy Guy walks over to the Bunnies and starts chatting them up. Soon enough, White Rabbit stops playing and they're back to wandering around the bar.


There you have your second hint. Write it down and head over to the entrance once more, then to the pool table area and then head into the men's room.


You step inside the Men's Room and find Crazy Eddie standing in front of one of the sinks, tugging at the hand soap dispenser.

**********: What the hell are you doing Eddie?

Eddie: Eddie get supplies.

Eddie continues to pull at the soap dispenser, but it stays screwed into the wall.

> Try and give Eddie a hand
> Leave the bathroom
> Forget this noise... head back to the bar entrance

Eddie's a big guy. If he can't pull the soap dispenser off the wall, chances are it won't budge. You decide to humor Eddie though.

**********: You pull the left side, I'll get the right.

Eddie: What left?

You point to the left side of the dispenser.

**********: Pull.

You both tug with all your might, but the dispenser doesn't budge. It's screwed into the wall but good.

**********: It's not gonna move Eddie. Sorry.

Eddie stands there scratching his head. He obviously wants that hand soap.

> Offer to unbolt the soap dispenser with your screwdriver
> Make a suggestion
> Leave the bathroom
> Forget this noise... head back to the bar entrance

**********: Stand aside!

You bust out your screwdriver and make quick work of the Soap Dispenser. After the screws are all removed, You hold it up in triumph before handing it over to Eddie.

Crazy Eddie: Oh yum! Eddie bring back to Wonka Boat.

Eddie walks out of the men's room, clutching onto the Soap Dispenser. You put the Lucky Screwdriver back inside your Unusually Large Backpack.


Now that Eddie is happy you can start getting wasted, or at least have some kind of drink. So now head back to the entrance and then head over to the bar area.


You head over to the bar area where you find Ahab boasting to some army guys and Lance sitting at a nearby table playing a game of poker.

You notice an exacerbated looking GI leaning over the bar arguing with the bartender.

> Talk to Ahab
> Talk to Lance
> Talk to Exacerbated GI
> Order a drink
> Forget this noise... head back to the bar entrance

You sidle up to the bar near Ahab. He's surrounded by Hobo Army members. You're about to interrupt him to say hello when he spots you.

Ahab: Ah! There he be! 'Ello Cap'n!

Ahab looks back around at group of grizzled GIs sitting around him.

Ahab: This be the scallawag who got me tuh join 'is crew by hackying a bowling ball!

The GIs mumble and nod. Seems like they've heard this story a few times already.

Ahab: 'Ave a seat Cap'n.

Ahab pushes a nearby drunk, passed-out GI off his bar stool and pushes it over for you.

> Have a seat
> Decline and walk away
> Forget this noise... head back to the bar entrance

You plop down on the bar stool as Ahab starts telling everyone some tale of the high seas.

Ahab: So thar I was, tied up to the main sail and surrounded on all sides by buxom lasses!

Actually you're not so sure this IS a tale from the high seas...

You've got a pretty primo bar seat. Perhaps you should make the best of it.

> Order a drink
> Stand up and walk away
> Forget this noise... head back to the bar entrance

You wait for the bartender to walk past and try and stop him.

Bartender: Sorry buddy, I'm a bit busy here. Gimmee just a minute.

> Wait for the bartender

Bartender: I'll be there in just a minute pal.

> Wait for the bartender

You wait for the bartender to walk past. At this point Ahab turns around and also tries to order a drink.

Bartender: Just a sec there, guy. I've got some people on the end to get to first.

> Wait for the bartender

You and Ahab wait for the bartender to walk past and try and stop him. At this point the sailors Ahab has been regaling also turn arund and start jockying for drinks.

Ahab: Yarrgghh!!! Kin we get a drink or what?

Bartender: Hold on fellas, be right there.

> Wait for the bartender

You and Ahab and the other impatient army men wait for the bartender to walk past and try and stop him.

Ahab: We got a crew o' dry throats 'ere ya groggy slug!

Bartender: Lemmee just take care of these people first then I'll get ya man.

> Wait for the bartender

Next time the bartender walks past, Ahab reaches over the bar, grabs the bartender by the collar, and gets in his face.

Ahab: Look 'ere ya worthless pile o' sea bilge! Me and me mates 'ere want drinks, an we want em afore a fortnights up!

Ahab lets go of the bartender.

Bartender: Ah! Of course sir! Sorry! What'll ya have?

Ahab: Pitcher o' Ale! QUICK!

The Bartender reaches under the bar, but in his panicked haste, accidentally grabs a mixer instead of a pitcher. He fills it to the brim with bubbly Albino Ale and pushes the mixer and a bunch of empty, grimy mugs towards Ahab.

Bartender: Here you are sir! On the house!

Ahab pours you a pint.

Ahab: Bottoms up Cap'n!

> Bottoms up!

**********: Cheers!

You clink mugs with Ahab and the other Army Men and raise your mug to your lips!

Bottoms up! You down all of the Albino Ale
Your strength increases by 0.051!
You gain 0.02 Drinking!


Soon enough the mixer is empty and Ahab is back to telling stories to the army men. You decide to grab the mixer in retribution for the Bartender's sloth. Sweet! The power cord is still connected!

You get the Mixer




Now with the mixer in your hands leave the bar and go to Second City. You'll need to buy a bottle of Whiskey and a bottle of Cola. Get out your mixer and combine the two.


After a quick mix you have a taste ... "this tastes amazing" you shout. Better keep your voice down or hobos around you might come and try to find out what ingredients you used.

You get the Happy Puppy

Now go back to the bar area of the Dive Bar and talk to Exacerbated GI.


You walk over to the bar where the exacerbated guy is. He's leaning over the counter, hurling some invective at the bartender.

Exacerbated GI: What do you MEAN you've never heard of a whiskey and cola???

Bartender: Look, sir, I told you, I don't know how to make this drink of yours.

Exacerbatied GI: I'll tell you AGAIN! It's quite simple... You take some WHISKEY and some COLA and mix em together! Voila! Whiskey and Cola! Hence the name WHISKEY AND COLA!

The Bartender just stands there looking stupefied.

Bartender: Look, sir, I've got other people to get to. Let me know when you want a drink I can make.

> Offer him a Happy Puppy
> Walk away
> Forget this noise... head back to the bar entrance

You pull out the Happy Puppy and slide it over the counter towards the Exacerbated GI.

**********: It's a Happy Puppy.

Exacerbated GI: What the hell is a Happy Puppy?

**********: Try some.

He picks up the Happy Puppy and knocks back a quarter of it.

Exacerbated GI: Hey! A Whiskey and Cola! Thanks buddy! Wow... Hey, I'll give you a little tip as thanks.

**********: Oh goodie!

Exacerbated GI: You see these bunnies out here? Now most of them are sweet girls, but there's one with a real mean streak. She's the one with the tattoo under her wrist. If you see that tattoo, stay away! You won't get nothing but a fist in your face as thanks for a compliment with that one.

The GI turns to show you a bruised eye.

**********: Can you tell me anything else about what she looked like?

Exacerbated GI: Oh, a face like that... You never forget. Unless you're a drunk like me of course.

He knocks back a little bit more of his beverage.

Exacerbated GI: All I can tell you is She WAS NOT wearing white, red, or green.

**********: Thanks.


Your third hint. Write this one down as well and walk away. Now you need to have $1000 and order a drink.


Bartender: What'll it be buddy? And don't ask for anything fancy! I've got beer and shots.

Bartender: Special drink prices today only! All drinks are $1000

> Order an Ale ($1000)
> Order a Stout ($1000)
> Order a Shot of Whiskey ($1000)
> Order a Shot of Tequila ($1000)
> Decline and walk away
> Forget this noise... head back to the bar entrance

You plunk $1000 down on the counter and the Bartender slides you your drink.

Bottoms up! You down all of the Portly Stout
Your strength increases by 0.101!
You gain 0.01 Drinking!


Bartender: Oh, I almost forgot, you get a free Drink Ticket with each drink you buy. These are redeemable with the Bunnies for a Shot of Rum.


Bartender: You want anything else?

Bartender: Special drink prices today only! All drinks are $1000


Next you need to have $50 and talk to Lance.


Lance: Ah, hello Captain! Me and some of the boys here were just playing a friendly game of poker. You want in? It's $50 in for a round.

You look around the table and see 4 seats occupied by Lance, an OCD guy, and a hobo sobbing into his beer. You notice his pile of cash is nearly gone. The fourth seat is empty.

Looking down at Lance's drink you notice something funny about it... It's in a mug shaped like a kitten.

> Have a seat ($50)
> Ask Lance about his Kitten-shaped mug
> Decline and walk away
> Forget this noise... head back to the bar entrance

You sit down and put $50 in on the table.

Lance: Alright, the game is 4-card War.

Lance takes 4 cards from the pile and places them face up in front of each player.

You get a 3
Lance gets a 10
The Sobbing Guy gets a 3, but doesn't even look up from crying to check his card
The OCD Guy gets a Queen

OCD Guy: I guess it's just my l-lucky night!

He carefully grabs the pile of money in the center of the table, counts each bill slowly, sweeps it towards himself, and deposits it in an already cash-stuffed ziploc baggy.

OCD Guy: Now, if you'll exc-c-cuse me. I need to run to the men's room.

He gets up and walks off.

Lance: We need four for a round, so we'll just have to wait for him.


Now leave the table and enter the men's room once more.


The Men's Room is empty. There's an outline of a square on the wall where the soap dispenser used to rest.

You hear some soft sobbing coming from one of the bathroom stalls...

> Check the stall
> Leave the bathroom
> Forget this noise... head back to the bar entrance


You kick open the bathroom stall and see the OCD Handwasher standing in a corner, clutching himself and trembling.

**********: Sup?

OCD Handwasher: I... I came into the bathroom and the... the soap... there was no s-soap! I ran out of the bathroom in a p-panic... I grabbed one of those bunnies... wanted to ask her if she c-c-could get me some soap from the Women's Room... Then...

**********: Then what?

OCD Handwasher: She whacked me across the face.

**********: Did you happen to see a tattoo on her anywhere?

OCD Handwasher: Why! As a m-matter of fact I d-did! It was on the und-und-underside of her wrist. I saw it w-whizzing straight at me. W-why?

**********: Nevermind why, what did she look like?

OCD Handwasher: It's all so b-blurry... I was in a p-p-p-panic... All I can remember was She WAS DEFINITELY wearing earrings.

**********: Thanks.

You slam the stall door closed again and the OCD Handwasher returns to sobbing. Pansy.


That was your forth and final hint. You now need to talk to Morpheus again and make him play “White Rabbit” once more. After that head back to the entrance and talk to the Bunnies. You will now have a list of all bunnies in front of you and all you need to do is pick the one matching all your hints. Oh and just because it was #5 for me doesn't necessarily mean it has to be #5 for you!


You stop a random bunny carrying a tray of small dixie cups filled with Rum.

Bunny #5: I see you've got a free drink ticket there? Would you like to exchange it for a Shot of Ruiner's Rum?

> Seems like a fair trade!
> Decline and talk to a different Bunny
> Forget this noise... head back to the bar entrance

As the bunny reaches out to hand you your shot of Rum, you spot something on the underside of her wrist... It's an anarchy tattoo!

**********: Golf Papa!

She drops the dixie cup full of rum and pulls one of the bunny ears down over her face and speaks into it like a walkie talkie.

Bunny #5: Abort! Abort! Our covers blown! Abort!

She pulls off her bunny tail and tosses it on the ground. Suddenly, the Dive Bar starts to fill with smoke! You hear several glasses shatter around you and the bunny takes off towards the front door!

> Chase her

You try and pursue the Undercover Gutter Punk Bunny, but quickly lose her. The frenzy in the bar reaches a peak as hobos and bunnies bolt in all directions. You swear through the smoke you can see a couple of mohawks appearing from tossed aside army caps...

Flashy Guy: Show's over ladies!

The smoke begins to clear, and the scene in the bar unveils itself. The 19 remaining bunnies are being ushered out a back door to several awaiting helicopters with the Ruiner's Rum logo painted on the sides.

Ahab: Yaharrr! I got a Gutter Punk! Tried to make a break fer it, this one!

Ahab is holding the Bartender to the ground.

Two Nearby Hobo Army Colonels grab the bartender by the arms.

Colonel #1: We'll be taking this one back to the Hobo Army Base for questioning.

Colonel #2: Good work, Captain. I'm sure the Hobo General will want to thank you personally if you'll stop back by the Hobo Army Base.

They drag the Bartender out of the bar. He goes silently.

> Grab Ahab, Lance and Morpheus and head back out to the Wonka Boat

You leave the Dive Bar and head back out to the Wonka Boat where the mechanic is standing chatting with Eddie.

Mechanic: Ah, hello Captain. I just finished fueling up your boat. She's ready to go! I just saw some Enlisted Men dragging one of those dirty Gutter Punks onto a boat and heading towards the Army Base. Might want to follow them.


Go to the Hobo Army Base.


The Hobo General is waiting for you as you enter the Hobo Army Base.

Hobo General: Ah Captain, there you are. I apologize for delaying your mission to find Kurtz, but we needed your help on this one, and dammit Captain, you came through.

**********: Any idea what the Gutter Punks were conspiring at the bar?

Hobo General: We're looking into that right now as a matter of fact. Major Sayid Jarrah, our interrogations expert, is questioning that Gutter Punk Bartender now. Would you care to look in on the proceedings?

> Sure

The Hobo General leads you into a nearby tent where you find the Gutter Punk Bartender tied to a rickety wooden chair and a curly dark-haired Hobo Army Major questioning him.

Major Jarrah: Tell me Golf Papa, what were you doing in that Dive?

Bartender: I told you! I was bartending!

Major Jarrah takes a step behind the wooden chair and gives it a swift kick, knocking the chair and the bartender, face first, to the ground. Major Jarrah leans down and pulls the Bartender's head up roughly by the hair.

Major Jarrah: You think I'm joking? Now you and your filthy punk buddies had something planned at that Dive and you're gonna tell me what.

Bartender: I swear, I ain't no Gutter Punk! I gave that life up! I'm innocent man!

Major Jarrah kicks the Bartender square in the ribs.

Major Jarrah: Do I look stupid to you? Captain, lift up that cloth!

Major Jarrah looks at you and points towards the corner of the tent, where a stack of something is concealed underneath a cloth.

> Remove the cloth

You rip the cloth up to find hidden beneath it at least a dozen cans of spray paint.

Major Jarrah: We found these stashed behind the liquor bottles in the bar. Now, are you still gonna pretend you weren't in on this thing?

The Bartender starts to sweat profusely.

Bartender: ...Okay! Okay, yes I was in on it from the start! We were gonna tag the stalls in the Men's Bathroom!

Hobo General: God help us...

Bartender: We would have succeeded... but... there was this big crazy guy in the bathroom forever... trying to rip the soap dispenser off the wall...

Major Jarrah: Did Kurtz order this operation?

Bartender: Please don't make me... Please...

Major Jarrah: DID KURTZ ORDER THE OPERATION?

Bartender: Yes! Yes! It came directly from Kurtz!!!

With that the Bartender breaks down sobbing. The Hobo General pats you on the shoulder.

Hobo General: Let's get out of here...

> Leave the tent

You follow the General out of the tent.

Hobo General: I wanna thank you for your help back there Captain. Take the rest of the day off. You've earned it. Operations will resume tomorrow.

Like always you first off need to look at your Dossier.



Thanks for the help defending the Dive Bar from Golf Papa's saboteurs yesterday. Good work Captain.

Today you'll move on up the river towards the Skate Park. You should be able to make it there in two days time. On your way up there, I'd like to ask that you stop by the Recycling Bin for me. I've got about a hundred cans down at the Army Base I've been holding onto, but I haven't had the time to get up there and drop them off. Come pick up the cans, and make your way to the Recycling Bin and drop them off.

Be careful though. Once Kurtz realized his plan to retake the Dive Bar failed he stepped up activities on the River. It's very possible you'll run into some Gutter Punk aggressors.


Go to the Hobo Army Base.


As you enter the Hobo Army Base you find the Hobo General waiting for you holding a garbage bag full of empty cans.

Hobo General: Hello Captain. Here are those cans I mentioned. Take them up river and deposit them in the recycle bin. Deposit ALL 100 of them at once. No more, no less. Got it?

**********: Got it.

Hobo General: Wonderful.

You get 100 cans!

Total Cans found today: 100



You and your crew set off upriver towards the Recycling Bin. Everything is still as Ahab steers the ship slowly through the winding waters. Too still, in fact...

Lance: Hey Captain, looks like we've got some company.

You see a black ship with studs and skulls painted on the sides sailing towards you from upriver.

Ahab: Golf Papa...

**********: Battle stations everyone!

Crazy Eddie: What battle stations?

Morpheus finds an odd looking cannon on the side of the boat and tries firing it at the incoming ship, but it just shoots a stream of chocolate harmlessly into the river.

Morpheus: Our weapons are useless against them.

The Gutter Punk Ship is heading toward you quick. You'd better do something...

> Continue

The Gutter Punk ship catches up to you. They start circling the wonka boat and yelling things at you. You can't make out exactly what they're saying, but you can swear you heard the words "Corporate Hegemony" in there somewhere. You can make out approximately six Gutter Punks on the ship...The Gutter Punks will circle the Wonka Boat and try and sink it! Take out all six Gutter Punks before they can sink your boat!

Position your crew for battle. The Wonka Boat is equipped with the following battle equipment:

-Forward: No weapons here, only the steering wheel. Best get someone accomplished to steer.

-Starboard: The Choco-Cannon rests on the the starboard deck. Not the most effective weapon, but your options are limited...

-Aft: The Aft of the ship holds the Gumball Gun. Fires up to sixty gumballs a second. Deadly, and delicious.

-Port: The ship's anchor. If you can hook the Gutter Punk ship in with this, you might be able to drag them in for close combat...


I put it this way and won on the first try:
Ahab: Port
Lance: Forward
Crazy Eddie: Starboard
Morpheus: Aft

Now a battle starts. I'd say in the first round you use the person at the Port to draw the ship closer. After that I would always use the one side that the Gutter Punks are at. Every time they are at the Port side you can repair your boat. Once the boat is close enough you must jump over on the other boat and finish off all the Punks. When you killed them all you get this.



> *Phew*

After defeating the Gutter Punks you raid their ship and take what you can.

You get the Prize-Winning Yorkshire Terrier

Ahab: Yarrggghh, ship's taken some damage Cap'n. We'd best dock and make repairs.

**********: We'll dock at the recycling bin. We're almost there by now.

Ahab: Aye aye Cap'n.


Now go to the Recycling Bin.


**********: Here we are, the recycling bin... Now wasn't there something I was supposed to do here?...

Poncho Peppe: Hello Friend! I can't give you as much for your cans as those capitalists over at the can depo, but I can offer some bonus prizes if you recycle enough. Plus you'll be helping keep Canbodia beautiful!

Recycle cans for $*** each

You get .1 points for each of the first 100 cans you recycle each day, .09 for the second 100 cans, and so on. You get .01 points for each recycled can past 900 in a single day.

Once you have enough points, you can trade them for the prizes shown above!


Remember the 100 cans the Hobo General gave you? Why not recycle them?


You get $****** and 10 Carbon Offset Points for your 100 cans.




Last thing before we close this day, you shouldn't recycle any more than 900 Cans a day.

Here we go. Lets get it started with a slice of Dossier beef.



You're about to enter the asshole of the world Captain. Beyond the Skate Park, it's all Gutter Punk territory.

But first you'll have to get past it.

That damn skate ramp has been a thorn in our side for too long. It seems like everytime we knock it down, they rebuild it the next day. For being lazy good-for-nothings, those Gutter Punks are sure industrious when it comes to skating...

They've stepped up their defenses recently. We can't get close enough to knock it down without being pushed back by gunfire. You'll have to find a way to get past their defenses.

Good luck, Captain.


Go to Canbodia.


The General was right

We were heading straight into the asshole of the world

I could feel it as we moved upriver

What was I gonna do when I finally found Kurtz?

I had no idea

The only thing I did know is that if I made it back, I would never be the same

> Continue...

Ahab takes the ship out of it's docking point near the recycling bin.

Lance: Man, I couldn't sleep at all last night with all that ruckus coming down from the Skate Park upriver. I've got a mad headache. Hey Morpheus, think I could get some of those pills you're always carrying around?

Morpheus reaches into his pockets and turns to Lance, his palms open and holding two pills, one red and one blue.

Morpheus: You must make a choice Lance.

Lance: Uhhh, which of these will help my headache?

Morpheus: I'm trying to free your mind, Lance. But I can only show you the door. You're the one that has to walk through it.

Lance: Whatever man.

Lance grabs both pills from Morpheus and tosses them back.

Lance: Thanks man.

Morpheus: Um... You probably shouldn't have-

Ahab: Yaharr! Quiet you two! We're approaching.

> Continue...

You sail towards the Skate Park ahead. You pass through a narrow thicket-bordered river passage and are able to make out a small group of gutter punks riding their skateboards over a giant skate ramp that expands fully from one bank of the river to the other. There's no way through on the water...

Suddenly, there's gunfire!

You've been spotted!

**********: Reverse! Reverse!

Ahab turns the steering wheel sharply and takes the Wonka Boat back through the narrow river pass and away from the gunfire.

**********: We'd best lay low and form a plan... Let's dock over near that statue on the bank.

You point over to an old grimy statue on the river bank. As Ahab pulls the boat up to it to dock you can see it's an ancient forgotten monument to Tony Hawk.

Voice: Have you come to pay tribute?

> Who's there?

On the river bank, holding a pair of garden shears stands a long bearded Gutter Punk with a leather jacket over long flowing white robes.

Eddie: Golf Papa!

You begin to reach for your weapon...

Gutter Punk Priest: Please, I will not harm you. I am merely a shepard of the old faith. I have a favor to ask of you.

> What's that?
> A favor? For a filthy Gutter Punk? Never.

Gutter Punk Priest: There is a tree that grows deep in the thick of the jungle that produces a special fruit. Take these garden shears and bring me back this fruit. Then we will talk more.

You get the Garden Shears


Now that you can cut down trees why not try to get a little deeper into the jungle? You might wanna cut down as much trees as you can since you are losing the Shears again at the end of this day. You might get it back the next day but I can't tell for sure.

Red=Mountain Honeydew Melon, Yellow=lots of cans, White=nothing special

Once you've found a Melon you can return to that weird looking guru.


Gutter Punk Priest: Ah, you've found the fruit! Wonderful! Now, there is one more thing you must do. Take that Melon and combine it with soda water. Bring the resulting beverage back here.


So why not just trust that weird old man and head to the Inventing Room and combine a Melon and a soda.


You toss the following onto the conveyor belt: Mountain Honeydew Melon, Soda Water. You peddle the bike for a minute. Buzzing and steaming sounds eminate from the compactor until there is a loud popping noise. It's done! You go over to the conveyor belt and pick up your prize...

You take the Mountain Dew and place it into your trolly.


Return once more to the Guru, Priest, whatever he is.


Gutter Punk Priest: Ah, wonderful! You brought the most extreme of beverages! Now give it to me!

You hand over the Mountain Dew. The Priest takes the can, sets it in front of the statue of Tony Hawk, and makes the sign of the 900 on his chest before turning back to you.

Gutter Punk Priest: I am one of the few who still pay tribute here. Most of my people have forgotten the Old Gods since Kurtz showed up.

**********: Why do they worship Kurtz?

Gutter Punk Priest: It all began the day we captured Kurtz at the Dive Bar...

> Listen to the priest's tale

Gutter Punk Priest: We captured Kurtz and brought him back to our base. We knew he was a rising figure in the Hobo Army and wanted to use him as a bargaining chip. But there was a conflict... Kurtz tried to escape, and in the ensuing struggle his shirt tore off.

**********: This isn't going to turn into slash fiction or anything, is it?

Gutter Punk Priest: That's when we saw it. On Kurtz's back was the most bitching tattoo any of us had ever seen. Here.

The Priest hands you a polaroid with a picture of a killer "Skate or Die" tattoo.

> That is pretty bitchin'...

Gutter Punk Priest: Our people immediately prostrated themselves before this man with the Godlike tattoo.

**********: Seriously, this is starting to sound kinda homoerotic...

Gutter Punk Priest: We anointed Kurtz our leader, and he took to the role keenly and quickly. He seemed to have no reservations turning against his old comrades in the Hobo Army.

**********: Traitor!

Gutter Punk Priest: He showed us a way to a secret hatch and promised us we would find wonderful bounties on the other side the likes of which we could only imagine.

**********: The hatch in First City...

> Why are you telling me all this?

Gutter Punk Priest: There are a few of us who believe Kurtz is a false idol. People have forgotten the true Gods since his appearance.

The Priest turns back to the statue of Tony Hawk and briefly bows his head.

Gutter Punk Priest: I will help you in any way I can if you intend on destroying Kurtz. Speaking of which, may I borrow those Garden Shears back for a moment?

You hand over the Garden Shears and the Priest begins cutting leaves down from the surrounding jungle trees before handing the shears back over to you.

Gutter Punk Priest: Come back tomorrow. I will create cover that will help you sneak your Wonka Ship closer to the River Half-Pipe. You will have to find your own way over it though I'm afraid.

Guess you'll have to wait while the priest prepares your boat cover!

Like always, check your Dossier. Do I really need to say that every time? Huh...



What's the hold up Captain? Get over that half-pipe! We've got word Kurtz is planning some large offensive for the near future. We need to get to him before he can complete whatever it is he's plotting!

And by we I mean you.


Go to the Skate Park.


Gutter Punk Priest: I'm done! I've stitched together a canopy of jungle leaves that should cover your Wonka Ship nicely.

The Priest steps aside to show you his creation.

Gutter Punk Priest: As to finding a way to get over the half-pipe, you're on your own. I've done all I can do to help.

***********: Thanks for all the help.

Gutter Punk Priest: Just come back when you're ready to attempt the jump and we'll slip this over your Wonka Vessel.


You got mail.


Dear ***********,

How's it going? It's been a while! I hope wherever it is you find yourself these days, things are going well.

I just wanted to let you know that if you ever need any help feel free to ask myself or the Oompa Loompas. We're in your debt for all your help with the Chocolate Factory!

Willy out!

-Willy Wonka


So now that you know that Willy wants to help why not blow the flute?


You blow on the Loompa Whistle. Suddenly, several Oompa Loompas appear from nowhere.



***********: Oh c'mon, you can't rhyme "doo" and "do".

Oompa Loompa #3: Do you actually want our help or not?

***********: Sorry...

The Oompa Loompas grumble to themselves as they wander off towards the Second City Docks.


Sail to the Docks and pick them up.


Ahab pulls the Wonka Boat into the Second City Docks and you hop out. A small group of Oompa Loompa mechanics is waiting for you.

Oompa Loompa #1: What do you do when you a ramp blocks your boat?

Oompa Loompa #2: Construct an engine that allows you to float!

Oompa Loompa #1: To spruce up your ship

Oompa Loompa #3: Find us one motor,

Oompa Loompa #2: fizzy lifting soda,

Oompa Loompa #1: and...

***********: And...?

Oompa Loompa #1: That's it actually. Just those two things.

Hmmm, Fizzy Lifting Soda... You remember needing a cleansing angent, some feathers, and a fizzy base to make that.

The Motor on the other hand... Maybe someone in Canbodia knows where you can find one?

> ignore


Lets start seeking a motor. Go to the Hobo Army Base and talk to the General. You will need a lot of money to do this.


You step inside the General's office and find he is in a meeting with Major Sayid.

Hobo General: Hello Captain. Is there something I can help you with?

***********: I need a motor. Are there any extras around the army base?

Hobo General: Oooohhh, sorry Captain. We're planning an offensive against Golf Papa today and we need every last piece of equipment we can get. You can sometimes find motors in the river though. Leftovers from old battles and whatnot.

Sayid: If it's a motor you need Captain, I can build you one... for a price.

Hobo General: Major! I had no idea you were a mechanic!

Sayid: Yes. Inexplicably, I can construct or fix any machine with mere scraps, fly a helicopter, and am also a fully trained dentist. So what do you say, Captain? I'll put you together a motor for $100,000.

> Pony up $100,000 for a motor ← You could also get a motor from sailing around the river (took me 100T but then I got some more of'em)
> No thanks, I think I'll go look for one on the river

You fork over the $100,000 to the Major. He takes the cash and steps out of the tent.

***********: Hey! Where are you-

You're interrupted by the banging and sawing sounds. A minute later, Sayid reappears holding a shiney new motor.

Sayid: Pleasure doing business with you Captain.

You get the Abandoned Motor

Hobo General: Now, if you'll excuse us Captain, we've got an offensive to coordinate...


Here is the one from the river.


You're doing donuts half a click out from the skate park when you spot something in the water.

***********: Cut the engine!

You idle over to the object and find it's a fully functioning motor just floating in the water. You wouldn't even think such an object would float of it's own volition...

Ahab: Yarrr, look at the markings. It's Golf Papa's. Must be leftover from a damaged boat.

Whatever. All you know is you just scored a sweet motor.

You get the Abandoned Motor


Now you need to make a fizzy lifting soda and return to the Docks.


You arrive at the Dock carrying the Motor and a vial of Fizzy Lifting Soda.

Oompa Loompa #1: Oompa Loompa doompity-

Oompa Loompa #2: Look Ted, I'm tired. Can we just put the motor on the boat and get the hell out of here?

Oompa Loompa #1: ...

You hand over the Fizzy Lifting Soda and Abandoned Motor to one of the Oompa Loompas. They spend some time tacking the motor onto the Wonka Boat and then pour the fizzy lifting soda inside.

Oompa Loompa #2: There's your damn Fizzy Lifting Engine. Just pull this cord and you'll shoot into the air briefly.

The Oompa Loompas bow and leave the docks.

> Hop onboard and have Ahab stear you back to Canbodia


Go to the Skate Park.


Gutter Punk Priest: What is this contraption on the back of your boat? Is that a fizzy lifting soda engine?

***********: Well... yes actually.

Gutter Punk Priest: Wonderful! Well, you and your crew get in your boat and stay down. I'll pull the canopy over your Wonka Vessel. Once you're close enough, you can crank that thing and leap the Half-Pipe!

You hop into the Wonka Boat and duck down with Ahab, Eddie and Morpheus. The Gutter Punk Priest pulls the canopy of jungle leaves over your boat.

Gutter Punk Priest: Alrighty! Nobody will suspect a thing! Good luck!

> Sail covertly out towards the Half-Pipe

Ahab peeks through the canopy and sails the Wonka Boat slowly out into the open towards the Half-Pipe. The river in front of the Skate Park is crowded with Gutter Punk ships guarding the Half-Pipe. As you get closer you catch a glimpse of some Gutter Punks riding the half-pipe. Through the canopy cover you can spot a dude with a huge green mohawk pulling a frontside 540 and a girl with fishnets and spikes doing a backside varial.

Lance: It's beautiful...

Ahab: Yarrr, what's the matter with ye lad? Ye're actin' kinda funny...

Lance: The pills man. I took all the pills.

Morpheus: Wait a minute... you took ALL my pills?!?!

***********: Shhhhh! We're approaching!

A phalanx of armed guards on Gutter Punk ships crowds the river in front of the Half Pipe. Luckily, none of them seem to have noticed you...

Ahab: We should be close enough now Cap'n.

> Activate the Fizzy Lifting Engine!

You pull the cord on the Fizzy Lifting Engine and a stream of bubbles shoots out from the back of the Wonka Boat, sending you flying into the air!

Lance: Far out man.

The Wonka ship sails over the Half-Pipe in a smooth arc. The force from the propulsion sends the canopy flying off the top of your boat! You peer over the side of the Boat and see all the Gutter Punks looking up at your ship and pointing.

Lance: Hey check this out! Eddie, grab on and lean left.

Eddie: Okay.

> Wait! What are you doing?!?
> Join in

***********: Hey! Stop it you guys!

Too late!

The Wonka boat starts spinning around as it begins it's descent! Everybody grabs on tight!

Ahab: Yarrrggg!!! Whaddya think yer doin?

The ship flips around completely several times and then...

Ahab: Brace for impact!

The Wonka Boat lands with a loud cracking noise in the river on the other side of the Half-Pipe! You can see a bunch of Gutter Punk ships heading your way.

> Ahab! Get us outta here!
> Stay and wait for 'em

***********: Wait! Don't move the ship!

Ahab: No problem there Cap'n! Seems the steering busted somehow on impact.

Over the roar of the approaching Gutter Punk Ships you hear what sounds like... cheering?

Gutter Punk Captain: Whoa! That was awesome!

Several of the Gutter Punk ships catch up to you and echo the first ship captain's enthusiasm.

Gutter Punk Crewman: Yeah! You must've pulled at least three full rotations up there!

Gutter Punk Captain: Those are some serious skills!

> Uh... Thanks?

Gutter Punk Captain: I didn't know you Hobo Army types had moves like that!

Gutter Punk Sergeant: Maybe you guys aren't so bad after all.

Gutter Punk Captain: Yeah, seems we had you wrong this whole time.

Gutter Punk Sergeant: ...Y'know... It's almost like our commonalities are stronger than our differences...

Gutter Punk Crewman: Perhaps if we laid down our weapons and tried talking...

Gutter Punk Sergeant: We could finally see an end to this war!

The rest of the Gutter Punks cheer and begin to throw down their weapons. You look around at your crew and shrug. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion back from the half-pipe! Debris starts flying everywhere!

> Duck!

You duck down and can see that the half-pipe has been blown in two!

Gutter Punk Captain: We're under attack! Move! Move!

The Gutter Punks all pick up their weapons and turn their ships around. As the debris clears you can see a brigade of Hobo Army ships and helicopters firing on the skate park! The Gutter Punks sail back towards where the half-pipe once stood and begin firing back on the Hobo Army ships.

Morpheus: It is time for us to go.

Ahab: We've got no steering Cap'n.

You pick up one of the large Candy Canes strapped to the side of the ship that you normally use for fishing.

***********: Everybody grab a Candy Cane. We'll head up towards that building over there and dock!

You point towards a small building you can see off in the distance downriver and everyone begins rowing.

> Row row row...

You and the crew row the boat up the river and bank it near the building you spotted. Now that you're close enough you can see a sign hanging over the entrance to the building.




Morpheus: We have made it.

***********: Huh?

Morpheus: Please wait out here Neo. I must speak with the Oracle alone first.

***********: What the hell are you talking about?

Lance: Heyyyyy mannn... Can I see the Oracle?

Morpheus: If you are meant to you will Lance.

Lance: Far out man.

Morpheus hops out of the boat and walks up to the Temporary Tattoo Parlor, and disappears inside.

Ahab: I'll take the evenin an repair the ship Cap'n.

We entailed heavy losses yesterday at the skate park... Golf Papa was more formidable than we imagined... we've had to push back from our offensive...

Your mission to terminate Kurtz's command is more important now than ever! We don't have the capablilites to take on the Gutter Punks directly. If Kurtz's plans are to be thwarted, you'll have to be the one to do it.

You'll have to start thinking about how you're going to sneak in. Some disguises may be in order. You might want to have a look around the Hot Topic today.

I think I need a drink, Captain...


Go to the Temporary Tattoo Parlor.


As you head towards the Temporary Tattoo Parlor, the front door opens and Morpheus walks out.

Morpheus: I have spoken with the Oracle. She has shown me the path. She also gave me this bitching tattoo.

Morpheus rolls up his sleeve to reveal a pretty awesome tattoo of a Unicorn with a jetpack.

Lance: Oh mannnnnn... that's a sweet tat... I want one mannnnn

Morpheus: Patience Lance. Neo must visit the Oracle first.

**********: Errr, why?

Morpheus: Not so fast Neo. The Oracle has revealed the path ahead, and our first objective is to get you some sweet digs over at the Hot Topic.

Ahab: Ship's ready to sail, Captain!

Morpheus: First Hot Topic, then you see the Oracle. Let us go.


Go to Hot Topic. It's a shop in Canbodia.


You dock near the Hot Topic and your crew begin to jump off the Wonka Boat.

Morpheus: No! It must be just ********** and I.

Ahab and Eddie look at you while Lance stares at his shoelaces in wonderment.

**********: We'll be back soon. Watch the boat.

Ahab: Yarrrrr, wanted to see if I could get meself a Rocky Horror shirt...

> Follow Morpheus into the Hot Topic

You follow Morpheus into the Hot Topic. The place is filled with sullen teens and employess with dyed-black hair and noserings. Everyone eyes you suspiciously as you wander the clothes racks.

Morpheus: Bringing the entire crew in would create too much suspicion. We must get you outfitted properly soon... Ah, here we are!

Morpheus pulls a long black trenchcoat from a coathanger and holds it up.

Morpheus: Yes... this will do. Wait here Neo.

Morpheus walks over to the register, and after a minute returns holding a receipt and the trenchcoat.

Morpheus: Put this on.

> Accept Morpheus' gift

You acquire the Long Black Trenchcoat. You equip it.

Morpheus: Yes. Now you blend in quite nicely... I'm going to grab one of those cool Staind beanies, and then we must go.

He starts to walk over towards the hats, but suddenly one of the employees, a guy with dreadlocks and lots of acne scars, steps in his way. Before he can say anything, the man's face starts to twist and contort rapidly... All of a sudden his face and wardrobe...change. His tattered Sex Pistols shirt changes into a sleak suit. His hair becomes short and slicked back, and really rad looking sunglasses appear on his face. Morpheus turns back to you quickly.

Morpheus: GO NEO!

**********: What's going o-

Suddenly you feel a hand on your shoulder. You turn around to see another man in a suit with slicked back hair and sunglasses.

Agent Smith: Hello Mr. Aaaaaaanderson.

> Fight! (2T)
> Flee!

Great success, you win!

Your Long Black Trenchcoat gained 7 exp (7/400).
You beat the agent!

Unfortunately, the Agent doesn't stay down for long. Within seconds he's right back on his feet, blocking your exit.

Agent Smith: Going somewhere Mister Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanderson?

> Run!
> Kick him in the nuts

You go with your default reasoning in situations like this and figure kicking the Agent in the Nuts would be a good idea.

**********: Hiiiiiiya!

Your blow connects! The Agent keels over on the floor, clutching at his poor poor testicles. Now may be your chance!

> Run!
> Kick him in the nuts again!
> Grab him and throw him into the compilation CD rack

You grab the sonuvabitch and toss him into a nearby compilation CD rack. He cuts his lip on an old unsold Rock Not Bombs CD! It's at this point a few other employees and some customers start to notice something is up.

Suddenly, several of the bystanders begin to change into agents.

Morpheus: Neo! You have to get out! Get back to the Wonka Boat!

The new agents all crowd around Morpheus. You look back and notice the Agent you've been fighting has picked himself up and is coming at you!

> Run!
> Kick him in the nuts again!
> Push him into the T-Shirt Rack!

You dodge the Agent and bolt out of the Hot Topic as several more bystanders turn into agents and rush Morpheus!

Morpheus: Neo! Go to the Oracle!

You slam the door to the Hot Topic behind you as you bolt outside and towards the Wonka Boat.

Ahab: Yarrrggghh, where be Morpheus?

> Dead. All dead.
> He's still shopping
> No time to explain, we must go see the Oracle!
> Kick him in the nuts

You're about to respond when Eddie yells and points behind you.

Eddie: Papa Golf!

**********: Eh?

Ahab: Yearrghh, Golf Papa!

You turn around to see two dozen steel bat wielding Gutter Punks rushing out of the thicket nearby, straight towards the Wonka Boat!

Ahab: Get on the boat!

You hop onboard and Ahab pulls the boat away from the Hot Topic. The Gutter Punks all crowd the shore waving their bats angrily at you as you sail away.

**********: ...Take us to the Tattoo Parlor. Morpheus told me to go see the Oracle.

Ahab: Aye aye Cap'n.


Go to the Temporary Tattoo Parlor.


You hop off the boat and step inside the Tattoo Parlor. The inside is dark and muggy. The smell of cigarette smoke fills the air.

Voice: Are you The One?

You look over and see an elderly black woman covered in tattoos sitting next to a tattoo chair.

Oracle: The one that crazy guy who wanted the Unicorn Tattoo kept talking about?

**********: Morpheus? Yeah, I guess so. I'm his friend.

Oracle: Well, he covered the cost of your first tattoo, so have a seat.

> Have a seat
> "Is Morpheus Okay?"

Oracle: How the hell should I know? I'm just a tattooist. Now you gonna sit down or what?

> Have a seat

You sit down in the tattoo chair.

Oracle: Before we proceed, I should explain how this works.

> Listen up

Tattoos bestow various beneficial effects. You may only have one tattoo at a time, so you'll have to choose the correct one for you.

Over thirty days your tattoo will fade and its effects weaken. Unless retouched, it will disappear after that. If for whatever reason you decide you no longer want your tattoo, or you decide you want a new tattoo, you will have to pay for removal.

You can view your tattoo in your living area after you have gotten it.

Oracle: Would you be interested in purchasing a Tattoo Flash Book? With this book in your possession, you'll be able to find and unlock new tattoos in all sorts of places. I must warn you, unlocking tattoos is not for the faint of heart. It usually requires outstanding actions or amazing achievements.

Purchase a Tattoo Flash Book? [Buy - $100,000]

Oracle: That Morpheus guy covered the cost of your first tattoo. After this one though, they'll cost you. Now what would you like?

I actually bought the Tattoo Flash Book and had to notice that I will never be able to unlock any of the Tattoos in there. But oh well just another 100,000 wasted... Ok you have to choose a Tattoo now.

You spend a little while in the chair getting a bitching new tattoo. And all those kids back in high school gym class said you'd never be cool!

You've now got a long black trenchcoat and a tattoo... Your Gutter Punk disguise is nearly complete. For now though, some rest is order.

I shorry 2 hear about Morpeus, Cap...n. -hiccup-

Im kida drubk... teh dead they jusb kep piling up capn...

*sob*


Go to Kurtz's Camp but make sure you are wearing your coat and you have a tattoo.


Everything is very still as you approach Kurtz's Camp. A primitive wooden gate obscures the base of a large temple. Torches line the river ominously. The jungle cover is thick here, and gives the camp a feeling of perpetual night...

**********: Everyone else get down. I'll steer us in.

Ahab and Eddie duck down, but Lance doesn't seem to hear you.

Lance: Man, this place is wiiiilllld. Those torch tops look like skulls.

Ahab: Those are skulls ye drunken seabat. Now get down!

Ahab pulls Lance down as your boat reaches the front gate of Kurtz's camp.

Camp Guard: Who goes there?

> Respond

**********: Hi, I uh... can I enter the camp?

The guard eyes you suspiciously. Ahab whispers at you from the deck.

Ahab: Yarrggghhh! Try en' sound more like Golf Papa mate!

**********: I mean.... uhhhhh.... You got any change man?

Camp Guard: ...Who are you? Where did you get this strange boat?

**********: I... ummm... I just came from the Skate Park. I... stole this boat from the Hobo Army.

Camp Guard: Come down here.

> Hop off the boat

You hop off the boat and the guard looks you over.

Camp Guard: So you were at the Skate Park when the Hobo Army blew it apart?

**********: Yessir!

Camp Guard: Hmmmmm...

The Guard starts sniffing the air around you, then steps back.

Camp Guard: You look like one of us... But something doesn't smell quite right... You smell dirty... but not dirty enough... No, something's off. Sorry, I can't let you in.

**********: But-

Camp Guard: Sorry!

> Leave

You leap back onto the Wonka Boat and sail off. Once you're far enough away, you signal to the crew they can stand up.

**********: Hmmmm, Aparently I don't smell dirty enough to be taken for a Gutter Punk.

Lance: What's that man?

Lance points towards the shore, where a small opening in the jungle reveals something large and metallic.

Ahab: Shall we investigate Cap'n?

> Investigate

Ahab pulls the Wonka Boat up to the shore near the jungle opening and lays anchor. The jungle is silent and still.

Ahab: Yarrgghh, somethin' don't smell right...

That's when you see what the metallic object was. Right in front of you, through the jungle opening is the largest dumpster you've ever seen.

This isn't exactly as impressive as it sounds, since you've only ever seen one dumpster, but still, it is pretty big.

Lance: It's beauuuuutiful man. Real like.... beautiful. Y'know?

Suddenly Eddie hops out of the Wonka Boat onto shore.

Eddie: Me get supplies. Dumpster yummies.

With that Eddie runs over to the dumpster and climbs in.

Lance: No way man... It's too awesome. I'm... not worthy...

Ahab: I'll stay 'ere with Lance Cap'n. You go on ahead.

> Follow Eddie and check out the dumpster

When you get to the dumpster you find Eddie standing there scracthing his head.

Eddie: There lid.

Indeed, the Dumpster is covered with a titanium dumpster lid. There's no pulling it off.

Eddie: What this?

On the side of the dumpster is a strange puzzle with little colored squares... It seems somehow... familiar. Next to the puzzle is plaque.

"This dumpster protected with Titanium Brand Arbitrary Puzzle Security System. To open dumpster solve the puzzle!"

Another puzzle... okay.

> Solve it



Follow the pictures exactly and you'll get to this:




Hey, they're all yellow! Good work! The dumpster lid slowly opens.

> Jump in!

You hop into the dumpster and find Eddie already down to his knees in filth, digging and digging.

You look around and see empty KFC packets and bachelor chow bags and other non-Canbodian foodstuffs. The Gutter Punks must be stealing this stuff from the other cities and dumping it here...

Well, perhaps you should get your hands dirty?

Rummage through the dumpster (5T)


Dig through there a couple times until you get this:


After digging for a while you come up with nothing but empty food packages and other non-edibles.

Eddie: Poop! No good! Burgers, candies, soups... Nothing to eat! No soap, no bottles. Poop! Eddie done.

Eddie climbs out of the dumpster grumbling. A few seconds later you hear a struggle outside.

Eddie: Hey what you-

Suddenly you hear the thud of a metal pipe and Eddie is silent.

**********: Eddie!

You hop out of the Dumpster, but it's too late. You don't see Eddie anywhere!

Ahab: Yarggh, I heard some noise and came a' runnin. Where be Crazy Eddie?

Suddenly, you hear some thrashing noises coming from the jungle nearby...

> Investigate

Ahab follows you a small ways into the jungle until...

Ahab: Poseidon's Beard...

Directly in front of you, tied up naked to a tree, is Crazy Eddie. Somebody has snapped polaroids and left them lying on the jungle floor in front of the terrible scene.

**********: Eddie...

You throw up in your mouth a little bit at the sight and have to turn away.

Ahab: Golf Papa... Bastards...

Eddie: Hay, I still alive. You untie?

Ahab: C'mon **********, it's too late for him.

Eddie: What? ME OKAY. UNTIE!

**********: Let's go back to the boat and... tell Lance.

Eddie: WHERE YOU GO? COME BACK!

> Head back to the boat

You and Ahab leave the gruesome scene behind and head past the dumpster back towards the Wonka Boat.

Ahab: Aye... Where's the boat?!?

Where the boat should be docked, there is only water. Suddenly you hear a voice from up above.

Lance: Heyyyyy guyssss

You look up and see Lance leaning over the edge of the Wonka boat, resting high up on a jungle tree branch.

**********: Lance! What the hell happened? How'd you get up there?

Lance: I followed a butterfly mannnnnn. Everything up here is so higghhhh.

Ahab: Yarrgghh........

> Get the boat down

You look inside your backpack and pull out your mixer, a fake ID, and a couple of sticks.

**********: I'll take care of this!

You spend the next few hours implementing your crafty plan to get the Wonka Boat down from the jungle tree and back in the water.

Ahab: Yarggghhh.... I... can't believe that worked.

By the time you're finally back in the water, the sun has set over the Canbodian Jungle Horizon.

**********: Ahab, Take us to Kurtz's Camp.

Ahab: Aye aye Cap'n.

A somber silence falls over the Wonka Boat as you push off from the jungle shore. Two Crewmembers lost in two days. Those aren't good numbers...

> Sail to Kurtz's Camp

Ahab steers the Wonka Boat up to the gate of Kurtz's Camp, but the gate is closed and no one is around.

**********: There's a note here...


Damn looks like you'll have to wait until tomorrow to get inside!

Eddie too! Oh dar gode!

Yesh Imb drunk agin and u no wat I don car no more!

I ca do this no moar! I never wated to be a geenral i wanted 2 be a libarian!

Bud noooOOOooooOOooo dad wouldn hab that wood he?!?

"ur goonna be a army genral jus lik ur old man!"

*sob*


Go to Kurtz's Camp.


Camp Guard: Oh hey, it's you again. The Colonel said if I saw you again I should let you in.

**********: Kurtz knows I'm here?

camp Guard: He knows everything.

You hop off the boat and approach the gates of Kurtz's Camp.

**********: Ahab, Lance, you two stay here. I'll be back.

Ahab: Aye aye Cap'n.

Lance: Can I come Captain?

**********: No Lance. You stay there. I'll be back.

> Enter the Camp


The Camp Guard watches you as you pass through the gates into Kurtz's Camp. Lined up on both sides as you enter are what must be a hundred or so Gutter Punks, dirty and scarred from fighting.

Lance: This is pretty wild, eh Captain?

**********: Lance! I told you to stay on the boat.

You're cut off before you can finish chastising Lance. The Gutter Punks begin to form a closed circle around you.

**********: Hey... C'mon now...

Two Gutter Punks grab you by the arms. You kick and yell, but another pair of Punks grab your feet.

**********: Lance! Get Ahab! Get help!

Lance just stands there with a big grin on his face, seemingly oblivious to his surroundings.

**********: Dammit Lance! Go-

You're cut off when one of the Gutter Punks takes the base of a shotgun to the back of your skull, knocking you unconscious.

> Continue

You awake to find yourself in a muddy dark pit. Thin shafts of light reach out to you from the ceiling up above.

**********: Where... where am I?

You notice something soft and round in your hand. You ignore the ripe opportunity for dirty jokes and lift the object up to the light so you can see it.

**********: No!

You hastily drop the hackeysack on the ground and back away! It's the one Ahab always carried with him. The Gutter Punks must've gotten him...

**********: I've gotta get out of here...

You try and move, but the soft mud sends you sliding until you hit a wall.

**********: Ow!

This is going to make it difficult to get out of here...

> Continue


What comes next is a sliding game. You need to go like the following. I'm not sure if this game is the same for everyone so here is my labyrinth. The correct way is marked in red.




You reach the exit, but find only more dungeon beyond it. Drat!

Voice: Help... me...

You turn and see a creepily familiar face. And when I say creepily familiar I mean CREEPILY.

Tiger Furry: Hello... Friend. They've... locked me down here for days without... internet access or magazines...

**********: Ummm, I've gotta go...

Tiger Furry: Wait! Please, take this.

You get the Yiff Whistle

Tiger Furry: If you make it... out of here... take that to the home of my brothers... in the jungle... show it to... our chief...

You agree, mostly to get the creepy tiger furry to leave you alone.

Tiger Furry: Good... luck...

> Continue on...





You reach the Dungeon exit. Unfortunately, this being a dungeon and all, it's a locked door.

> Bang on the door and DEMAND to be let out

You pound on the dungeon door with a clenched fist and tell lies about how you have an uncle who is a bigshot attorney and Ohhhh Boy once HE hears about this...

Surpisingly, it works! The Dungeon Door creaks open. The light blinds you momentarily.

> Step into the light

The silhouette of a bald man blocks some of the light flowing into the dungeon. He lifts up what looks like a magazine and begins to speak before your eyes can fully adjust.

Bald man: Adbuster's Magazine. Issue 43.

"Bum Fights is a series of amateur style DVDs that are available for sale online and at one time were available for sale at corporate chains. In these DVDs, homeless people are coerced with drugs, alcohol and food into performing dangerous stunts or degrading acts. "

Your eyes start to adjust to the point where you can make out-

**********: Kurtz!

Kurtz: Next page. Review of an online game called "Hobo Wars".

"its a kinda gay and its suckish and its not worth it mand ont waste ya time"

Kurtz: Do you think it's "gay and its suckish", Captain?

> I don't know what you're talking about...

Kurtz: A joke, Captain! That's what hobos have become! And for what? I've met hobos with hundreds of millions of dollars in their bank! In the Hobo Army I had a bunk mate with a shopping cart made of gold! The Hobos have lost their way, Captain.

**********: That's not true...

Kurtz: Did they send you, Captain... did the Hobo Army send you to terminate my command?

**********: ...

Kurtz: Are you an assassin?

**********: ...I'm a hobo...

Kurtz: You're neither. You're an errand boy sent by grocery clerks... to collect a bill.

> All these ellipses are making my head hurt...

Kurtz: Perhaps you need some fresh air Captain.

Kurtz rises from the dungeon entryway, and vanishes out into the sun light. As you peer out you see curious looking gutter punks all standing outside peering in at you. You spot Lance among them... wearing a leather jacket and spikes.

**********: Am I... free?

None of the Gutter Punks try and stop you as you leave the dungeon. The cool air from outside feels good on your mud soaked face.

**********: Where did he go... Kurtz?

Bearded Gutter Punk: The Colonel is busy, but would like to schedule a dinner with you in the near future. Come back tomorrow and we can set something up.

**********: Dinner? But I'm supposed to kill the bastard!

Bearded Gutter Punk: ...I suggest you remain more... discreet in your motives, Captain.

The Gutter Punk winks at you, and that's when you recognize him. It's the Gutter Punk Priest who guarded the Tony Hawk statue!

Bearded Gutter Punk: So tomorrow CAPTAIN?

**********: kk



Remember that whistle the Tiger guy gave you? Why not return it?


Zebra Furry: I thought I told you to leave us be! Wait a minute... is that...

You hold out the Yiff Whistle.

Zebra Furry: ...Where did you get that?

**********: Creepy Tiger dude gave it to me. He's locked up in Kurtz's Camp.

Zebra Furry: Softpaw... I must take this information to the Fur Quorom. Just... hold on to that whistle for now.

Hello, Captain. What, surprised to see a coherent Dossier entry? That's because this is Colonel Kurtz.

I have heard about the Hobo General's descent into drunkeness. I have also been informed he has been removed from power.

So where does that leave you Captain? Do you fulfill your mission anyhow? Do you follow your order to "terminate my command", even as the very person who gave you those orders falls into madness and the hobo army crumbles?

I would like to cordially invite you to dinner at my camp today, Captain. We can talk more about things in person.


Go to his Camp.


The gates into Kurtz's Camp open as you approach them.

Gutter Punk Devotee: Follow me Captain. The Colonel wishes to see you.

> Follow him

You follow the Gutter Punk to a large temple in the center of the camp.

Gutter Punk Devotee: The Colonel is inside.

You walk up the steps and enter the temple. The inside is somehow both ornate and dismal. Torches and candles line the walls. In the center of the room Kurtz sits at a long table, sipping from a goblet.

Kurtz: Two buck chuck. Do you like wine Captain?

**********: ...

Kurtz: You're not a man given to formalities, are you Captain? Well, please then, have a seat.

> Sit down at the table

You sit down and begin to nibble at the food placed on the table for you. A half donut, a raw chicken leg...

Kurtz: Do you recognize it Captain?

**********: Recognize what?

Kurtz: It has been a while hasn't it? A while since you fed yourself solely on 1 or 2T food. A while since you dug through a dumpster hoping, praying for a piece of pizza or half a hotdog.

**********: ...I never really did that.

Kurtz: What is in your trolly right now Captain? A KFC meal? Some delicious soup? A Double Double perhaps?

> I'm not sure what you're getting at...

Kurtz: Tell me, Captain, how much money is in that piggybank of yours right now? Enough for a steady diet of good food? Perhaps some new weapons and armor?

**********: I really don't-

Kurtz rises from his seat, nearly shouting.

Kurtz: You're indulgent Captain! You all are! You're not impoverished! Why, you could probably afford a nice house in the Hoburbs right now!

He regains himself and sits back down.

Kurtz: But that won't be a problem for much longer, Captain.

> What do you mean???

Kurtz: What I mean is that as we speak Gutter Punks are invading your cities and removing your leisures, your sources of income, your... luxuries.

**********: No!

Kurtz: It is time for a return to basics Captain! Back to dumpster diving for scraps! Back to living off what you can find scrounging around the city for cash.

You stand up from the table and make your way for the door.

Kurtz: You leave this camp Captain, and there's no coming back! Those gates are closed forever to you!

You don't turn back as you step out of the temple, through the camp gates, and return to your Wonka boat.


Kurtz said the Gutter Punks were attacking the other cities, removing sources of income and food... You're not sure where to start, but you've got to find these Punks and stop them!


I am not sure if this order is the same for everyone so if it's not, you need to attack each of the punks once and write down which other punk each one it trying to reach with the walkie talkie and then attack them in reverse order. Here is the order that worked for me.

Go to the Candy Store.


You crush the Gutter Punk.

Suddenly, 2 security officers walk up.

Security Officer: We got a call someone was causing trouble around here.

Security Officer 2: Come on pal, come with us.

The Officers grab the Gutter Punk and begin to drag him away.


Now head over to the Welness Clinic.


You crush the Gutter Punk. He stumbles back and grabs his walkie talkie.

The green haired Gutter Punk wipes the blood from his lips and grabs his walkie talkie.

Gutter Punk green: Come in purple! COME IN purple!

There is no response from the walkie talkie.

Suddenly, 2 security officers walk up.

Gutter Punk green: purple! They're going to cage green bird! I repeat! Caged Bird!

Security Officer: We got a call someone was causing trouble around here.

Security Officer 2: Come on pal, come with us.

The Officers grab the Gutter Punk and begin to drag him away.


Now with this one crushed go to the Toy Store.


You crush the Gutter Punk. He stumbles back and grabs his walkie talkie.

The orange haired Gutter Punk wipes the blood from his lips and grabs his walkie talkie.

Gutter Punk orange: Come in green! COME IN green!

There is no response from the walkie talkie.

Suddenly, 2 security officers walk up.

Gutter Punk orange: green! They're going to cage orange bird! I repeat! Caged Bird!

Security Officer: We got a call someone was causing trouble around here.

Security Officer 2: Come on pal, come with us.

The Officers grab the Gutter Punk and begin to drag him away.


Next take out the guy at the Soup Kitchen.


You crush the Gutter Punk. He stumbles back and grabs his walkie talkie.

The blue haired Gutter Punk wipes the blood from his lips and grabs his walkie talkie.

Gutter Punk blue: Come in orange! COME IN orange!

There is no response from the walkie talkie.

Suddenly, 2 security officers walk up.

Gutter Punk blue: orange! They're going to cage blue bird! I repeat! Caged Bird!

Security Officer: We got a call someone was causing trouble around here.

Security Officer 2: Come on pal, come with us.

The Officers grab the Gutter Punk and begin to drag him away.


With this one crushed you need to go to the Liquor Store.


You crush the Gutter Punk. He stumbles back and grabs his walkie talkie.

The yellow haired Gutter Punk wipes the blood from his lips and grabs his walkie talkie.

Gutter Punk yellow: Come in blue! COME IN blue!

There is no response from the walkie talkie.

Suddenly, 2 security officers walk up.

Gutter Punk yellow: blue! They're going to cage yellow bird! I repeat! Caged Bird!

Security Officer: We got a call someone was causing trouble around here.

Security Officer 2: Come on pal, come with us.

The Officers grab the Gutter Punk and begin to drag him away.


Next on your list is the punk at the Walmart.


You crush the Gutter Punk. He stumbles back and grabs his walkie talkie.

The red haired Gutter Punk wipes the blood from his lips and grabs his walkie talkie.

Gutter Punk red: Come in yellow! COME IN yellow!

There is no response from the walkie talkie.

Suddenly, 2 security officers walk up.

Gutter Punk red: yellow! They're going to cage red bird! I repeat! Caged Bird!

Security Officer: We got a call someone was causing trouble around here.

Security Officer 2: Come on pal, come with us.

The Officers grab the Gutter Punk and begin to drag him away.


The last punk to take out is at the Corner 7/11.


You crush the Gutter Punk. He stumbles back and grabs his walkie talkie.



The black haired Gutter Punk wipes the blood from his lips and grabs his walkie talkie.

Gutter Punk black: Come in red! COME IN red!

There is no response from the walkie talkie.

Suddenly, 2 security officers walk up.

Gutter Punk black: red! They're going to cage black bird! I repeat! Caged Bird!

Security Officer: We got a call someone was causing trouble around here.

Security Officer 2: Come on pal, come with us.

The Officers grab the Gutter Punk and begin to drag him away.


Follow that instruction...


Punks currently incarcerated

-purple haired gutter punk
-green haired gutter punk
-orange haired gutter punk
-blue haired gutter punk
-yellow haired gutter punk
-red haired gutter punk
-black haired gutter punk

Warden: Thanks for helping lock up all these gutter punk scum. Someone was here just a minute ago and left a note for you.

The Warden hands you an envelope and walks off. You rip it open and read the letter inside.

Kurtz has gone over the line. The Hobo Army is in disarray, so you're the only hope of putting an end to Kurtz.

I've found a way into his Camp that will allow you to take him by surprise.

I'll send you a Dossier Page tomorrow telling you where to meet me.


Remember what you last did on the last day? Return to the Jungle Camp.


Zebra Furry: Softpaws, our tiger companion, has been captured by Kurtz...

**********: Uh, yeah I know. I was there.

Zebra Furry: I have spoken with the Fur Quorom. If you will help us rescue our friend, we will reward you greatly.

**********: What do I have to do?

Zebra Furry: We will lie in wait near Kurtz's Camp tomorrow. When you are inside, blow the Yiff Whistle. We'll storm the place, and rescue Softpaws!

Great. Now you're in league with furries.

You notice the Dossier is a bit thicker than usual when you pull it out. You open it up and find something inside!

You get the Bundle of Dynamite

Meet me at the hatch in the city located at XX, YY.

We're gonna blow that bastard open.

-Major Sayid Jarrah


Go to the Coordinates listed in your Dossier.


You found: You find Major Sayid, from the Hobo Army, standing next to the hatch.

**********: Hey, it's the torture guy!

Sayid: I'd prefer if you didn't refer to me as "the torture guy". Now, did you bring the dynamite?

**********: yessir!

You pull out the bundle of dynamite and hand it to Sayid.

Sayid: Now I have to be very careful. This stuff is very unstable. One wrong move and it could blow us both to hell.

**********: Huh, you failed to mention that in the Dossier page.

Sayid: Did I? Sorry. Now step back.

Sayid sets the dynamite down next to the hatch and you both hide behind a nearby trashcan. Sayid takes off one of his shoes, and chucks it straight at the dynamite.

KabloOOoOooOmm!!!

The hatch lid flies off, revealing the path beneath.

Sayid: It's up to you now Captain! Take out that Kurtz bastard once and for all!

> Enter the hatch


Walk through the tunnel.


What comes next is yet another round of stratego.



Now keep going on the way.



Remember that ship battle? Same thing here. Get that anchor hooked and then draw them closer. Remember to repair your boat.


All the Gutter Punks have been taken care of! You Win!


You sail the replica Wonka boat over to the end of the lake. The passage continues ahead.

> *Phew*


Run through yet another tunnel.




Follow the red line.



You reach the exit, and step out into the final passage.

> Shit's about to get REAL


I think after this mission I'll never be able to enter a tunnel again. Ok but for now go through this one as well.



You push open the hatch slightly and take a peak. It leads right into Kurtz's Temple! What a glaring security flaw! You see Kurtz seated on the ground, with a Gutter Punk speaking to him.

Gutter Punk Aid: Sir... your beer is empty. Would you like another?

Kurtz: Nevermind that, I've got a six pack here. Go, the band is ready. They need their third guitarist.

Gutter Punk Aid: ...yessir.

The Gutter Punk leaves the temple. A minute goes by, but Kurtz remains still. You hear the band go on. They're doing a really dirty punk cover of The Doors "The End"...

> Emerge from the hatch

You open the hatch as quietly as you can, and make your way towards Kurtz, uncertain exactly what you'll do next...

Kurtz: Hello Captain. I suppose you've come to terminate my command.

**********: ...

Kurtz takes a sip of his beer.

Kurtz: Let me ask you something, Captain? Do you think you're the first the Hobo Army has sent after me?

**********: Uh, kinda, I guess.

Kurtz: You're not, Captain. Those flaming skulls out in front of the camp belong to your predecessors. Those are the ones who wouldn't join me. The ones who refused to give up their austere hobo lifestyles. So, Captain, what will it be? Join me? Or die?

> What the hell, sign me up
> I'm gonna have to go with death on this one

Kurtz: Wha- wait? Are you sure?

**********: Oh yeah. Gimme a card and a uniform. I want in the club.

Kurtz: I sorta had this epic battle planned... Could you just... defy me?

> Never!

Kurtz: So sorry to hear it Captain. You see, I've been holed up here in this camp a long time. I have had plenty of time to study and hone my drinking abilities.

Kurtz takes another sip of his beer.

Kurtz: I've learned how to control the drunkenness at will Captain. I've learned to pass it off on others, and to absorb it at will. Soon enough, I'll be able to absorb all the booze in these cities Captain. This place will become a dry county!

**********: Gasp!

Kurtz: I will be the arbiter of booze, deciding at will who is drunk and sober! The Hobo Army will beg to join me! A little more time,
Captain, and I'll be unstoppable!

**********: Double gasp!

Kurtz: Now prepare yourself as I reveal... my true form!

Kurtz stands up and turns your way, all the while groaning and contorting weirdly.

Kurtz: Amazing what years of heavy drinking can do to a man... I hope you know how to fight drunk Captain.

He begins to stumble towards you!

> Fight!

Round 1
Kurtz's HP: 1000

Kurtz is approaching you with a pretty mean look in his eye. Throw something in that freaky mouth belly of his?


This one actually was quite costy for me since I had to heal after each round. All you need to do is throw something his way and then fight him. Don't worry about your alcohol level. DO NOT USE ZIMA!!!!!


You win!

Kurtz: NooOOoOoOoOoOOOOO!

Something begins to happen to Kurtz... He starts to convulse and his stomach begins rumbling...

> Those sound like promising signs

All the alcohol Kurtz imbibed comes flying out of his stomach straight at you! You don't have any time to dodge it!

You stand up. Hey... you don't feel at all wobbly... Did you... did you just drink yourself sober?

Kurtz: The horror... the horror...

Kurtz has reverted back to his normal self. Well, it's time you finished him off once and for all.

> Do what must be done

**********: It's time... I should've done this from the start.

You drag Kurtz over to a nearby pillar, tie him up naked and take photos.

**********: It's over...

You slowly make your way out of the temple. Outside the place is crawling with Gutter Punks listening to the band on stage still playing a long meandering punk cover of "The End".

**********: I gotta clear these punks out...

That's when you remember that creepy-ass furry's whistle...


Blow that weird-ass whistle.


You pull out the Yiff Whistle and reluctantly blow on it.

Yiff yiff! Yiff yiff!

The Yiffing cries out over the land, and there is a great rumbling.

> Uh oh...

The Gutter Punk guitars come to a screeching halt as the gates of Kurtz's camp fall and an army of furries descend upon the camp.

Yiff yiff! Yiff yiff!

The Gutter Punks panic and scatter quickly into the jungle as the furries descend upon the camp! Some of those furries look oddly familiar...

The Zebra Fur Chieftain finds you standing in front of the temple.

Zebra Furry: Thank you fur leading us here! We have located Softpaws and freed him!

**********: Um, that's good. I should probably be go-

Zebra Furry: We are going to celebrate the rescue of our brother. Would you like to stay for the furstivities?

**********: Wha- NO! NO! I... have to go... NOW.

Zebra Furry: Well, I won't hold you then.

**********: NO, YOU DEFINITELY WON'T.

Zebra Furry: Okay, well stop by our camp in the junge tomorrow. I believe I promised you a gift fur your help! Yiff!

You're halfway to what is left of the Camp Gate before the Chieftain can finish his sentence. You're not even sure you WANT this gift.

MISSION 18

That was a hell of a binger I went on Captain.

Seems while I was out of it you took care of all our problems. Good work! I'd give you a promotion, but I've been dishonorably discharged. I'm packing my things right now!

Though I'm a little worried abou those strange animal people that have taken up residence at Kurtz's old camp. They seem peaceful... but we'll keep an eye on em.

Oh, one of them claimed to have something for you. Might be worth looking into.

And one more thing Captain! What ever happened to your crew?


Go to Kurtz's Camp.


As you approach Kurtz's Camp you hear the sound of hammers and nails. The furries are rebuilding the place after the siege. There's not a Gutter Punk in sight. Suddenly, you see a familiar face.

**********: Lance!

Lance: Oh, hey Captain! What the hell happened? I remember being on the Wonka Boat with a massive headache and then... waking up here, surrounded by furries.

**********: It's all right Lance. It's all over.

Lance: Cool, well hey, can I rejoin the crew then?

You look down at Lance's feet and notice he's wearing fur slippers. You'd better get him out of here FAST.


Now go to Hot Topic.


Business at Hot Topic has died down considerably since the Gutter Punks left. You do see one familiar shopper though...

**********: Morpheus!

Morpheus: Oh, hello Neo!

**********: I thought you were dead!

Morpheus: You must be referring to our scuffle with the employees a few days back. Turns out there was just a misunderstanding. I bought a coat but had the wrong receipt.

**********: You wanna rejoin the crew?

Morpheus: Yes, I will follow and protect The One.


Go back to the Soup Kitchen.


Sitting outside the Soup Kitchen you see a familiar face.

**********: Eddie!

Eddie: Oh, **********... You leave me tied naked to tree... You total asshole.

**********: I thought you were dead...

Eddie: Me just learn terrible thing! This not soap kitchen! This SOUP kitchen! Me can never go back...

**********: How bout rejoining the crew Eddie? C'mon. It'll be just like old times!

Eddie: Me don't know...

**********: C'mooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Eddie: Okay.


Run over to the Docks and hop onto your boat.


You hop onto the Wonka boat to find a familiar face waiting for you.

**********: Ahab!

Ahab: Yaharrrr! 'Ello Cap'n.

**********: What happened to you Ahab? I found your hackeysack... I thought you were dead!

Ahab: Ye found it? Give it 'ere!

**********: I... didn't keep it.

Ahab: Yarrggghhhh... Ye went into that Camp O' Kurtz's 'n I was practicin me kicks. I was going fer a record height, but I arched me heel to much n' sent it flyin outta sight. I went lookin fer me hackeysack, but by the time I gave up n' came back, ye'd already left!

**********: Let's put things right Ahab. Would you like back on the crew?

Ahab: Aye aye Cap'n.


Head over to the Jungle Camp.


Zebra Furry: Yiff! Good to see you! You have been sooooo helpful and we have a wonderful surprise fur you!

You begin to have some second thoughts about this prize...

Zebra Furry: You see, I, the chieftain of this tribe, was not always a furry. I was once a renaissance faire worker. Yiff! can you believe it?

**********: Yes I can.

Zebra Furry: But I had to leave all that behind when I devoted myself to my fursona. There was one piece of my past I just could not part with though...

**********: Y'know what, I don't think I need to kn-

Zebra Furry: A cup. A King's Cup! Oh, it would make the mead taste sweeter! Anyway, I want you to have it! I know you'll take good care of it! Yiff! Just follow the path up ahead and clear the thicket as you go!


After this the way up is free so why not check out what is hiding out there?


You step out into a clearing and find an old tree stump with a magificent jeweled cup resting atop it. This must be the King's Cup that furry was talking about. There's a plaque attached to the tree stump.

Whoever shall bear this cup, and will follow the will of the cup, shall find their beverages tasting sweeter than ever.

You get the Kings Cup